Mr Miyagi. I call my new heart Mr. Miyagi because though I'm never quite sure exactly what he is doing, I trust it is for the best. I have to say it's been a year of close calls. There are times when I feel sick, tired, and unstable. But this year is done, and I'm here. So this must be what it feels like to achieve something..I mean technically I have achieved something before, but because I have this aversion to drawing attention to myself, today is the first time I feel special about it. I absolutely love the fact I get to be here. I know literally what it is like to wish I were dead. I know what hating waking up is. It seems outstanding to me that I feel these feelings because in my whole life I've never really wanted to let people know how happy I was. I've never done anything someone else hasn't. Birthdays, high school, now bachelors degree ... What is so remarkable for me about those things? I don't know anyone who hasn't done 1 if not all of those things. But now I get to feel unique for just one moment and in all honesty I feel like I'm standing back in awe of the accomplishment just as you all may be.
These are the moments life is made of. We all are fairly free in each day to do as we choose but there are also those days life decides for us. Sometimes life gives you a hurdle and sometimes it gives you a shortcut. The game of life is all about maximizing the short cuts and trying to avoid the hurdles. Even now I don't think there is a single thing I've been through that I would ask not to have to repeat. I mean sure there's a list, but no one thing stands out as purely bad. Conversely there is also nothing I think I could do again and I continue to be amazed a lot of it happened the first time at all. This blog started out of the mix between old habits and new inspiration. I suffered loss and experienced new joy. Today is a another marker on the road that left from the convergence of fate and willpower.
My family and all they've been though, my friends and all their love, my own fucking mind for willing the body to do things no one expected it to. I have to be grateful for each. The variables that went into my success are so great that I don't doubt the butterfly effect could have toppled me completely. One different nurse, seriously. One different doctor. One different decision by one of you to call me or show your support. I am so much less than I appear to be because so much of what I am was given to me. I cannot stress how meaningful it has been to hear well wishes and support. I try to use my gifts to return the favor and the second any of you feel I'm not living up to expectations, I expect to hear about it.
I've never been less sure something was going to happen than when I first saw the 1st year survival rates for transplant patients. Anyone who knows me, knows I am cocksure and self confident to a fault. I can do no wrong, I often think I'm invincible. I have no such delusions anymore. I just want to say thank you one last time because I don't plan to make this a yearly event. It is momentous and it is impressive but what I've done I will always continue to say was expected. I had all the support and help anyone could ask for and so much of it I feel guilty there are others attempting to do what I'm doing with less.
