Killing Ants with a Sledgehammer

You have probably heard me say it before, and you'll definitely hear me say it again, but as the saying goes, "If all you have is a Hammer, then the whole world appears to be a nail." I had the discussion with my good friend the other day and came to the conclusion that I'm only happy when I'm not. It's not that I like to rain of parades or invoke my inner Debbie Downer. What I enjoy is knowing that no one can ruin my mood, and so long as I'm comfortably upset it's pretty hard to shift my pleasure curve in a negative direction. (EDIT: "He who sleeps on the ground, cannot fall out of bed." Just saw this on twitter and found it pertinent. Carry on. 5/2/10)

Now that being said I think it is fair to say that there is also some measure of self indulgence going on because we are all good at different things and because humans tend to enjoy doing things they are good at it can be hard to get us to stop doing said, things. For me this is a problem because best I can tell I am really good at one thing but in 2 specific ways. But just because I'm naturally inclined to do them, doesn't mean I have to, mostly I just enjoy it more. I'm a master aggravator of people and I'm sure of this because I only actively try to piss off a small percentage, say 12%, of those I actually anger. And the one person I want to stop pissing off the most (myself) is constantly displeased. Imagine if Kobe were only trying to score 12% of the points he scores? Imagine if Paula Dean were only trying to clog our arteries with 12% of her recipes? That's how I feel about upsetting people, but as I mentioned it's only in two real instances.

1) Any woman who is a non-mother, under 40, whom I meet, has a 60% chance of completely hating me, this is most of what leads me to hate myself.

2) Anyone I disagree with is like a string to a kitten for me. I don't have to toy with them, but it's more fun if I do. The inability to pick my battles is the other part of what I do that irks myself.

So as you can imagine the group of people who should first be questioned upon my untimely demise would have to be any women in the Pacific time zone who like Sean Hannity. One of those Cunts is probably to blame.

Speaking of Killing people sometimes my blood just sets to boiling and I can't really do much about it. I met a girl at the gym just last week and we got to talking about astrology. Thing is we are both Aries and as such we fit out astrological make up more closely than any other sign. A lot of my real world friends may be confused but just like some women can be born in a mans body I feel like an Aries born in a Pisces body. (The conflict therein makes up nearly all the rest of my self hatred.) So as I mentioned when all you've got is one tool, you tend to try and use that tool for every job. If you're ex #3 of mine, then that tool is quite literally your vagina and you will use it to try and solve as many of life's problems as possible. (I think she came up with that slogan for USPS: If it FITS, it SHIPS!) If you are Barack Hussein Obama, you're weapon of choice seems to be the oratorical skills that you use nearly every chance you get. I don't know what my tool is personally, but as the She-Aries and I decided fixation is a HUGE part of who we are. Imagine the way your dog gets when he hears you open up the treat jar, or the way you stare down other peoples food at Claim Jumper when you thought that was YOUR chicken fried steak coming out of the kitchen. Yea...it's like that. So basically when I set to doing things the greater task for me is often the choice between doing it sufficiently and doing it as i'd have it done. Here is an example of my mind at work.

About a year ago there was a rash of Piracy stories on the news. West African Pirates had become increasingly aggressive and the western world was concerned. A ship was eventually captured that was worth enough (American) money that its occupation became front page news. Now right here is where I set to work because I actually don't like the feeling of people lasered in on something. It can be nice to have such focus but it's tiring and I like to be done with things quickly and decidedly. In my mind the solution was simple. The pirates wanted a sum of money in exchange for the crew, now at a separate location. In my mind the exact sum they wanted would be floated alongside the vessel atop a barge. I understand this probably isn't how ransoms are usually paid but I don't imagine they'd have a Paypal account so I'm floating the cash on a barge over to them. Besides it is now in plain sight which is what I want because next I am going to light that money on fire.

Yes that's right. Flame will meet bill and a bonfire of great economic proportion will ensue. Why you ask? Because I don't have time for this is why. I am not here to play games or hear out your political statement, but since the pirates felt it prudent to grab my attention in this instance then they will suffer my hypothetical wrath. I'd also probably blow up the ship they were holding captive simply to say money can be reprinted, and goods can be remade, but time is precious, and I'm not about to waste it dealing with you all. If that's how things had happened, I'm 100% certain no one would ever steal my boats ever again.

So yea...I guess I can be heavy handed at times, but trust me I'd enjoy a quick painless mistake far more, than a long protracted success. It's why I love Youtube and hate "Lost".

That is what she said

So this is a hypothetical I want you all to play along with. It was posed to me as part of a homework assignment and I find it kind of an interesting take on a tricky situation. You might have heard it before and I’m adjusting it slightly to make it fit the WB&C just a bit better, but the story is still the same.

So in this scenario you are a person living on earth and things there are just as they are now here. You are just like everyone else, no better no worse. You happen to be single and your job allows you to support yourself, so for all intents and purposes you are part of the nameless faceless crowd that make up our metropolitan areas. In this world however there is an international star of some sort. Lets say this person is regarded like a Perez Hilton mixed with Michael Jordan. Everyone loves them, everyone wants to be their best friend. Basically in my mind (because I am a geek) this person figures out how to solve our solid fuel propellant problem and allows NASA to get to Mars with only 2,000 lbs of fuel. (usually it’s 500,000+ lbs)

They are of course rich, as their idea turns them instantly into a one person OPEC, they are charismatic, so they are like Tony Stark in that you see them as the face of their company and they must of course be good looking. It all boils down to Conan O’Brien’s personality and fame mixed with Richard Branson’s money and daredevil lifestyle with the looks of the sexually appropriate person of your choice. In my mind and for the rest of the story this person will look exactly like 1998 Salma Hayek.

Now here is the story. You are walking around one day and you happen to hear that Salma, this wonderful person whom everyone knows and loves is sick with some incurable disease. A group of especially crazed fans begin to scour the country looking for a cure stopping at nothing to find out what it is. As it happens you are the only person on earth whose blood has the antibodies to combat the illness though you don’t know it. And how anyone else knows it is unimportant but what is important is that on your walk home from work as the manager at the local Popeye’s chicken you are taken and knocked unconscious. Somehow this deranged group of super fans, intent on keeping their beloved alive, have taken you and when you wake up you realize you’ve been hooked up to Salma via some system of tubes and wires. The doctors apologize profusely and assure you that the people who did this to you have been arrested and are facing life in prison because their attempt to kill you was stopped short but not before they could connect you to Salma.

After you gather your senses and calm down from obvious anger you are posed with two options by the doctor. Unplug yourself immediately and walk away. Allowing Salma to die or maintain attached to her until such time they can produce a treatment, which could take months. They reiterate that it is completely up to you and there is nothing keeping you from pulling the plug on her but they also stress that without you she will die assuredly. What makes this scenario interesting is that you yourself agree that she is a much more important person than you. Her work has brought new discoveries to mankind. Men love her, women want to be her, she is a truly great individual and you are just a fast food joint manager. Salma is asleep and you haven't been able to speak with her since you woke up but you are told she is doing better already.

So…what do you do?

Prince-I would Die 4 U

Would it make a difference if you knew exactly how long it would take to find a treatment?

I don't know anyone personally who I think would disagree that getting up and unplugging yourself is an a good option but what if it was a trade though, your life for theirs? Maybe you get hooked up with a slice of the good life from this, maybe you get stiffed on the tip? I also made the story a little different in that this is a person who you may look up to and or be attracted to. The original author is named Judith Jarvis Thomson. What she was attempting to do was make an argument for the defense of Abortion. When I first read the Plugged in Violinist my instinct was to say screw it, I'm not chaining myself to someone against my will even if it is only for 9 months. This was mainly because I don't care about Violinists. But by making it someone I'd look up to like Leland Melvin, Kanye, etc there is an added layer of conflict. Also respecting the contribution this person has to society is something that cannot be discounted. I would love to actually see what people think about this. Comments ARE enabled so feel free to tell me how you would handle such a situation. As far as I'm concerned this is a flawed allegory for pregnancy because pregnant women don't have their uteri kidnapped and impregnated. Usually it is the result of some sort of bedroom, bathroom or backseat type activities that involve both her and at least one other male of her own species. It is no miracle how babies happen, so the whole kidnapped and woke up with some unwanted visitor line just isn't cutting it for me. I still don't know exactly what would happen to Salma if it were me she was hooked up to and the picture at the top of this post has only a tangential relation to my actual feelings so make of it what you will.

"This is a Throwback"

My roommate's "friend?" is here and he is regaling us with his collection of music, that seems to have been stolen from some pre-teen girl circa 1998. I new God was punishing me when I heard this quote, "Lady Gaga May be the best new artist I've heard in a while!"

F.M.L.

Murder Mysteries

The New Year is upon us. I have much to look forward to in 2010 as I’m sure do you! I’m excited that the year-end reviews are over and I can stop being reminded of events I hardly recall and return to largely glazing over almost anything that isn’t directly affecting me. I find those things to be unimportant in my life as I think do most people. By the way it's been proclaimed by the National Association of Good Grammar that this year and henceforth we shall refer to the years properly, by their centurian order. So this being the 21st century, the year is Twenty Ten, not 2,010.

N.A.G.G

I saw one good idea, which was making a list of Un-resolutions if you will. Things which one person will strive not to do. Consequently I feel I’m qualified to propose a list that the country at large might strive to accomplish:

5 Things to Make 2010 Better than 2009

1) I’d hope to see no murders this year (too late you say?)

Apparently the cities of Denver, New York, and San Francisco all experienced multiple murders within the first three days of the year.

http://tinyurl.com/yz42dso

2) No more epidemics please- Swine, Bird, and Seasonal Flu’s all have run rampant and with sanitizers becoming more prevalent, more virulent strains are appearing.

3) Lets keep it zipped up fellas- Can we go twelve months without a political scandal revolving around which man isn’t being faithful to his wife. At this point the only people we can hold accountable publicly are those who we elect to be accountable so for twelve months lets try and not embarrass ourselves shall we? And I Know it won’t stop happening so lets just not talk about it for 12 months.

4) Amber alerts are so last decade- I hate to hear that a child has gone missing. I truly feel that a parent whose child is abducted needs to be forced to watch "Taken", then be publicly shamed for insufficient parenting. And the way the media only covers young, blonde, females just makes the whole thing shameful anyway. If my child was snatched I can guaran-DAMN-tee you I wouldn’t sleep until I found her. Shouts to my man Liam Neeson and his family BTW.

5) Technologic- We can Tweet it, text it, blog it, vlog it, app it, droid it, trend it, and #hash it. Life is becoming one big Daft Punk song, and even for me that’s getting annoying. I need us to return to full syllabic annunciation. I enjoy hearing languages even If I don’t understand them, because slang in the U.S. is so prevalent.

Alternately I tweet now! I find it to be a LOT like sex. Everyone was doing it, I heard it was fun/cool but had no clue as to how true that was and therefore was apprehensive to try. If you don’t like it, you’re not doing it right I’ve found in both cases. There are some people you’ll watch do it, and others you wont. Sex is supposed to last hours in myth but the best stuff is concise and to the point. We use twitter to say the things we wish we could say in public. I have a great love of twitter and it all makes sense now as to why. The two don’t mix by the way. I’ll spare you the obligatory joke about tweets and twats here.

A photo a day is my new project. If I had one wish it would be to see where all the things I’ve lost have gone. That being impossible I will now preemptively record what I can and at least have that record to look at. Dan Cronin says it best in his tweet last week, “How is the battle between my face and the ravages of time going? Well, the ravages of time is sitting its starters.”

I think I finished 2009 in a rather unexpected way, I had a lot of momentum with this project and others but because I ran into some unforeseen news, I kind of listed into 2010. I didn’t even make my goal of getting to bed by 10:30 PM on the 31^st. Though I did see a good friend of mine while also getting a good nights sleep, so in the end I’m not unhappy with the way things turned out. The topic I tried to wrestle in my last couple posts I feel is left half done but can be distilled into basically two camps; those that support revenge and those that do not.

I’ve found some quotes by minds that I respect to help end this argument and though my gut feeling about the matter may be swayed somewhat based on these I think in the moment, I’m always going to crave the natural reaction. Any moment that calls for true revenge is a moment in which I fully embrace the animalistic nature of being and have no urge to deny it. I literally salivated at the thought of revenge. Read on and choose for yourself. I don’t think any of this is bad advice.

“I consider it a mark of great prudence in a man to abstain from threats or any contemptuous expressions, for neither of these weaken the enemy, but threats make him more cautious, and the other excites his hatred, and a desire to revenge himself - Niccolo Machiavelli

Revenge is Sweet and Not fattening. - Alfred Hitchcock

Men should be either treated generously or destroyed, because they take revenge for slight injuries - for heavy ones they cannot” - Niccolo Machiavelli

“A man need never revenge himself, the body of his enemy will be brought to his own door” - Chinese Proverb

“Before you embark on the journey of revenge, dig two graves.” - Confucious

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? if you tickle us, do we not laugh? if you poison us, do we not die? and if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that - Bill Shakespeare

"The Avenger fears his actions like the Ash fears the flame" - JT-Rex

I’ve spoken before about including things regularly but I’ve realized there is no way I can do that as often as I’d like. So I apologize. I never know what I am going to write until it’s written. (That very last sentence was redone four times.) Today I’m writing an entry just to update you, when I have a sufficient topic I’ll post an essay, and In a last ditch effort to entertain I may post just photo’s. But a formulaic system isn’t appealing to me so I hope this works for everyone. I have been so busy with the real world I haven’t even had time to escape it, except for the two to three hours I spent wishing I was an Avatar. James Cameron made every woman in America wish she had been on a sinking ship and now has made me wish I was twice as tall and Blueish. He is a miracle worker indeed.

And to all those who say revenge is a dish best left un-served I offer only this list. Those who knew their actions, defined themselves by them, and were ultimately willing to stand up for what they were about to do because to them, in the moment, and for the future, it was the only right choice. The absence of action isn’t always a statement of indifference.

Beatrix Kiddo, Clyde Shelton, Aldo Raine, Bruce Wayne, Lorena Bobbitt, Harry S. Truman, Hamlet, William Tell, Shylock, and of course my brother…Oedipus.

If you disagree, be sure that I am not talking to you, and I’m quite sure they aren’t either.