Solamente Ti

Here lets start with your very own gallery. It'll be fun.

Obviously. And a nice attempt at depth. #stillgay

This is true. I was broken as they come. Now I'm T-Rex. It fits.

Not really. #justmoregayshit

I'm serious. All women don't have sex drives like you. #BOGUS

#Gay shit goes here

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You are a bit more important than anyone else. It is a shame that so many adages came true between us. The one I think of the most is "keep your friends close and your enemies closer". I honestly wish I could have paid as much attention to you when you needed it as I did at times this year. I have been harsh and unfair but that is just the place I was in. I just got done writing thank you letters to my doctors and my parents and everyone I could find contact info on. But there is really one person who throughout this we know I needed with me. I was selfish...as well all would have been. I'm not even the hero people make me out to be, I was just too stupid and arrogant to even know the danger I was in. I want this for you because you were there and you deserve my thanks as much as anyone else. I want to let the past be the past and stop being so bitter. I can't really continue to live that way as even now my acute memories of you start 6 years ago and end some 3 or 4 years later.

I walked by the exact spot I was in when I first heard Adam's name and I laughed almost out loud at myself for being in that situation. It didn't feel good to remember don't get me wrong, but I felt like I was laughing at the younger me for making such an obvious mistake that May. You loved me more than I deserved and more than anyone could. I certainly don't expect things to be fixed or be better just because of this but to me it was necessary to do. What I wrote to you I meant. Do good for this world, better than it ever did for you. I hope to do the same for you and the family too. There is a ton I want to say because more than anything I miss our conversation. Now all I see are the products of peoples pasts. This girl is standoffish, that one is careless. You were the last legitimately open and "honest" person I've spoken to in years. It is weird to see so many people feeling so many emotions. This world just needs one big fucking hug. I obviously won't say it but it's always there. I don't know what I want, I don't even think I know who you are, all I know is that this had to be done.

Would you please? I don't want you to witness this one. But I would like to be sprinkled onto my laptop if at all possible.

Sinister Kid by Jt-Rex

Took my whole flavor, I call her Coke Zero

Another post that rips off a Jay-Z lyric for a title is well underway and I'm happy to be back at the keys. The blatant product placement in his lyrics though disturbing is still effective. The man is a wordsmith, thats for certain, and it is my hope that I amount to be the same at some point. As of yet I don't feel quite that way but I found a story on the net that I think accurately shows some pretty great story telling. There is a big problem in this story and I want you to see if you can spot it. It goes as follows:

"My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered. I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.” So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.” And then the fight started…"

I'm not an expert or anything, but what I do know is that this is one of those moments when the perfect joke will get you in trouble. You had better have been extra good THAT DAY, if you think you're gonna pull this off. I don't mean you let her pick what you watched earlier that night, or you told her she looked skinnier than usual last week. You had damn well better have saved her from a burning building that afternoon then not gotten mad while she flirted with the fireman who showed up. I know this because this is EXACTLY the type of thing I would say. I absolutely would. I have no filter and it's been proven time and time again that I value laughs over consistent sex. Though in hindsight I do value loyalty and devotion. Those two however are finite resources.

Orbit

Now about this problem...can anyone spot what it is? Any guesses? Here's a clue, it has nothing to do with what he said...Give up? It's simple. What in the world is he doing with a girl who would say no to that question?!? Genophobic as I may be EVEN I know that there is no way that a relationship can work if she is saying no to that question. For disclosures sake I will admit that I usually date women whose libido exceeds my own and it's spoiled me but really..? W..T..F..? I am not sure I've ever even heard no so trust me this conversation would never happen for me anyway, because the day I do hear no I'm going to burst into laughter then say, "That's cute, I'm going to write that in my diary...You ARE joking aren't you?"

This is one of many things I've come to appreciate in my single days. I think being single has made me a better boyfriend. I finally learned to pick battles and I definitely learned to appreciate the good FAR more than I worry about the bad. I feel bad that there are some guys who will settle for this kind of behavior. It's like telling me there are 2 feet wide spiders or something, I believe they exist somewhere but I NEVER wanna meet one...NEVER.

I don't really have any advice on the subject of this argument because it is as I would call it, "A hypothetical Impossibility". But what I do know is that what I've had has been good when I had it. And I've certainly never been told no. I do know someone however who does have some good advice and I've posted her before so I'll do it again because Resha "gets it". She in my mind has the perfect sensibilities a GF should have. She says lots of outlandish things all the time yet often she speaks like she knows what it is like to be a man. For instance...

Guys who don't fully appreciate stuff like this are just as bad as girls who say no.

She is freaky but she also understands simple sanitation. I'm not against anything (anymore) but it is simple math if you ask me. *kanyeshrug goes here*

We agree on the important issues...like Kimberly K.

And of course she is no fool. Nothing is getting past this one.

All that said, the following is the only truth that anyone need be concerned with. It is a lesson I had to learn the hardest way and have been working hard to spread to the masses.

And my first Begotten son shall be called...Bovice

I wrote earlier this year about forgiveness. I found myself in a position where forgiveness became some sort of situational currency. To be able to forgive someone, they have to first infringe upon your rights somehow and to a lesser extent also recognize that they’ve wronged you. I could kill your dog because it won’t stop barking late at night, but if I don’t find that to be an incredibly horrible thing, then your forgiveness not only isn’t likely to be forthcoming, but I’ll have no use for it because I don’t see anything wrong with what I’ve done. That realization right there spells out the point, that forgiveness is an especially human thing. Prayer in some religions is said to be the means of asking Holy absolution for ill deeds but that clemency is more highly regarded because it is believed the dispenser is…well…God. If the big guy lets you off the hook then not only do you avoid eternal damnation but you take it seriously because you trust his judgment. Humans however…we’re a far less reasonable bunch. I feel like on balance there are more people forgiven that shouldn’t be than people not forgiven who should be so that’s good. But the reasons for people’s decision making is often far less principled than perhaps the creator or your run of the mill, average Lord and Savior.

So we have to recognize, and I say we meaning me but if you’re smart then you too; that forgiveness might be the least important thing ever created. Can you imagine if you did work but sometimes less than you expected came or none at all? Conversely sometimes you did nothing and a check came in the mail anyway just because you said you worked? This is basically the way forgiveness is dispensed on the individual level and so I put little value into it and I think we all should. In the end when you do something wrong and you truly feel remorse then you should know you’re probably forgiven by those that matter, and when you are wronged yet you can’t find it in yourself to let go, then you need to know you’re holding no power over anyone but yourself. I think as far as I’m concerned I learned that I’m incapable of real forgiveness at least in any sort of timely manner and that it is largely dependant on me feeling okay with a situation. Some things are just unforgivable and in the words of Michael Corleone; “Mistakes can be forgiven, but I’d kill my own brother for betraying the family.”

I can't Help but Wonder what it's like

So I've got a new habit of writing some thought out into completion, and then deciding it is totally useless. Which I think is actually a good thing. Most often when I write I'm using the spaghetti method with my thoughts anyway. So not everything needs to be posted, I usually just need to work out some stuff in my head.

What I learned from the last little "spaghetti tossing" session is that I am horribly impatient. I can feel my skin itch at times when I'm forced to wait. Lots of people meet me and are shocked to hear or see this because I tend to have a calm demeanor. The reasoning behind it is convoluted. I have ideas as to why I sometimes am as patient as a rock, and other times bristle before I even have real cause, but can't really pin it down. Point being, I really wish I could learn to be appropriately patient. I don't have a good sense of when I'm being too patient, and when I'm not being patient enough, I can't really calm down easily. I can feel my mind trying to put the brakes on the rest of me and it never works, it practically makes things worse.

I've also realized that I have no forgiveness in my soul. I only find issue with this because it seems to be such a lionized trait. I was once told that forgiveness is a saintly task and that I was far from saintly...=( I never cared about being a saint until someone told me I couldn't be one. Now I NEED to be one. It's silly I know but my real problem is that I just don't believe in it. Forgiving someone means to cease being angry for an "offense, flaw, or mistake."

Now I don't think I've ever been mad at someone for a flaw, except for one of the many nurses I refused to allow in my room, whose voice sounded EXACTLY like Marion Ramsey in Police Academy (ear...splitting...pitch). I tend to forgive mistakes if I'm mad at all; albeit slowly but quicker now than ever before. It is those tricky offenses that I find so difficult. When someone is deliberately deceitful, mean, rude, conniving, or otherwise evil, then my initial reaction is retribution but short of that I am equally as deliberate in my inability to forgive said action. Apologies are often given but the action still remains. Even in instances where the misdeed can be remedied, I still don't think I could be quick to forgive. In large part forgiving was never taught to me so I don't have a background with it. There is another post floating around somewhere on separating the person from the accomplishment. Michael Jackson is a great example. I fully believe he molested many young children but he was also the greatest musical artist of his time. His talent with dance and music far outweigh his magnitude as a criminal and molester but the fact still remains. Also I'm not in any real position to stake that claim, because though he doesn't seem to have been serial or malicious in his negative acts towards children, I was never his victim and therefore cannot say how devastating it must be for those who were. To them perhaps he was a much worse person than he was a good artist. Case in point it's hard to forgive him, because no matter how you feel about what he did, and no matter what excuse he gives, I just don't see the pain he caused going away, and therefore neither will my displeasure with him.

I can't even really fully understand all the facets of forgiveness. Many people say that it is a sign you're holding onto past transgressions and still aren't happy when you fail to forgive. I reject that, as there are many people who have done unforgivable things in my opinion whom I never think about except for when they're mentioned. I also struggle with the notion that forgiveness is something we should embrace. It is largely a biblical sentiment and the idea behind it seems to play into some larger subtexts in holy works that I also take issue with. So I won't discuss that here but suffice it to say I seriously question whether or not we need to even have this notion of telling people that their wrongs are okay. Imagine drawing up a society all your own on an island somewhere. The rules, laws, and requirements for living there are all yours to create. At which point do you start including forgiveness. It's nowhere in our constitution and the laws that stipulate forgiveness all require that we pay some sort of prasad or offering to show our desire to be forgiven. You get a ticket and you must pay it. And even after you pay it you get a point on your driving record unless you perform a further sacrifice by going to driving school. In life an apology is one thing, to make amends is another, but to seek and get forgiveness is just on an entirely different level. For me I like to think not caring and forgiving are two different thing. Perhaps I'm making to big a deal out of forgiving.

I saw an episode of the "First 48" and a mother whose pregnant daughter was shot and killed by a hired hitman found it in her heart to forgive both the killer and the man who ordered it be done. My first question was why? Letting the other two men know she'd forgiven them may earn her brownie points in heaven, but there is no rational reason to do such a thing. Maybe she had just been raised to believe in it. Or maybe she actually didn't harbor any ill will towards them because she knew it wouldn't bring back her child? Regardless of her reasoning, forgiving someone doesn't really change the act. And remember I'm only talking about the misdeeds carried out deliberately against you here, forgiving a thief is quite easy compared to a traitor.

So for me the question comes down to this; if you want to forgive someone, and they want forgiveness, should you do it? Is it healthy to forgive someone's "sins" against you and move forward with them in your life, or are you bound to do something different? At first glance if it were my country that I was founding, I think at the very least I'd have some sort of show cause memorandum in the bylaws to find out people's reasoning. I know it's probably just me, but I feel like it's somewhat detrimental..? In Zach Braff's movie "The Last Kiss" which I feel I've written about before, he cheats on his fiance, with some woman who means little to him, but is more of a trophy or accomplishment for him. She of course finds out and shuns him. He however wants nothing more than to be with her. The movie opens with them discussing their life together and the wedding is imminent for them. So after seeking council he reconciles himself to sleeping on the front porch of their home. He simply sits, and waits. At some point she may have even made him a sandwhich as a small concession to his efforts, but as I mentioned in my post about revenge those small concessions are hard for me. The movie asks you to gauge your own thoughts on the situation and to be honest I can't blame her for never speaking to him again, as a matter of fact I'd have advised her to invite over a friend and make sure to make love in such a way that he knew what was happening. The tricky thing is whether or not I'd be okay with her bringing him back into her home? In my opinion it's a personal decision. I'd probably tell her not to, and after watching many friends try to forgive and fail I now exactly why I'd say that.

As for me I simply don't have the capacity to forget. So even If I forgave, those transgressions would still be my cross to bear. I'm still too young and prideful to even consider forgiving anyone for anything these days, and to be honest I hope that never changes. It just sickens me to imagine a future self of mine standing alongside anyone who did me harm intentionally. I did it once, it isn't likely to happen again. You may disagree, but you should be advised I'm not talking to you.