As all guilty men do, You will rewrite your History

I've got to assume that since literally 99% of you watch me work and never interact that you aren't looking to be heard, but are here to see what I have to offer. In that sense I feel better because I always felt bad for not including your vision here, but at the same time am sad because I have to admit I'm not entirely sure I can hold the audience. No matter I'm going to keep doing what I've always done. So here goes.

I went to lunch with a classmate of mine last week. Something I honestly wish I could have done more of in the past but that wasn't my journey so I don't stress it. The days post tense have left me thinking only one thing...I think I was a bit too comfortable in my own skin around her? I hear the way to handle these things is to just be yourself but when you're me that can be both a good and bad thing. It's a bit whimsical because there are obviously many interactions and so for me to assume that it was my openness that caused any glitch in the Matrix is a tad presumptuous but not completely unfounded. Lets hope this weekend brings improved results. I love my girl Ariana by the way, who once I informed her a cock block had appeared in our class out of nowhere, told me I was going to give up rather than increase my effort. From her, and only from her is that more a statement of fact than a putdown. I don't know how she got to know me so well but no of course I have to prove her wrong because as right as she may be I'm still competitive.

My idea for the sleeve tat' is basically at a standstill. I know I want it and I know where I want it. But the final two choices are much harder. Where to get them and whether to get them are pretty much road blocking the process. I have plans to meet up with a friend back in Long Beach in a few weeks and hopefully she can help shed light on all this and Melissa should be back from her honeymoon by then so I'm sure I can get an earful of sense from her too. Though...now that I think of it, she's had some "work done" so maybe she won't be as down on this idea as I expect. I have this weird urge to implode sometimes and I think it might manifest itself in a post soon. I mean True Hollywood Story type, tell all post about myself that may needlessly put things into the public forum that don't need to be there. I dunno why it is those things intrigue me in the least but..if I were like everyone else then I suppose I wouldn't be writing this would I?

P.S. - SEE YOU THERE!!!!!!

Took my whole flavor, I call her Coke Zero

Another post that rips off a Jay-Z lyric for a title is well underway and I'm happy to be back at the keys. The blatant product placement in his lyrics though disturbing is still effective. The man is a wordsmith, thats for certain, and it is my hope that I amount to be the same at some point. As of yet I don't feel quite that way but I found a story on the net that I think accurately shows some pretty great story telling. There is a big problem in this story and I want you to see if you can spot it. It goes as follows:

"My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered. I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.” So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.” And then the fight started…"

I'm not an expert or anything, but what I do know is that this is one of those moments when the perfect joke will get you in trouble. You had better have been extra good THAT DAY, if you think you're gonna pull this off. I don't mean you let her pick what you watched earlier that night, or you told her she looked skinnier than usual last week. You had damn well better have saved her from a burning building that afternoon then not gotten mad while she flirted with the fireman who showed up. I know this because this is EXACTLY the type of thing I would say. I absolutely would. I have no filter and it's been proven time and time again that I value laughs over consistent sex. Though in hindsight I do value loyalty and devotion. Those two however are finite resources.

Orbit

Now about this problem...can anyone spot what it is? Any guesses? Here's a clue, it has nothing to do with what he said...Give up? It's simple. What in the world is he doing with a girl who would say no to that question?!? Genophobic as I may be EVEN I know that there is no way that a relationship can work if she is saying no to that question. For disclosures sake I will admit that I usually date women whose libido exceeds my own and it's spoiled me but really..? W..T..F..? I am not sure I've ever even heard no so trust me this conversation would never happen for me anyway, because the day I do hear no I'm going to burst into laughter then say, "That's cute, I'm going to write that in my diary...You ARE joking aren't you?"

This is one of many things I've come to appreciate in my single days. I think being single has made me a better boyfriend. I finally learned to pick battles and I definitely learned to appreciate the good FAR more than I worry about the bad. I feel bad that there are some guys who will settle for this kind of behavior. It's like telling me there are 2 feet wide spiders or something, I believe they exist somewhere but I NEVER wanna meet one...NEVER.

I don't really have any advice on the subject of this argument because it is as I would call it, "A hypothetical Impossibility". But what I do know is that what I've had has been good when I had it. And I've certainly never been told no. I do know someone however who does have some good advice and I've posted her before so I'll do it again because Resha "gets it". She in my mind has the perfect sensibilities a GF should have. She says lots of outlandish things all the time yet often she speaks like she knows what it is like to be a man. For instance...

Guys who don't fully appreciate stuff like this are just as bad as girls who say no.

She is freaky but she also understands simple sanitation. I'm not against anything (anymore) but it is simple math if you ask me. *kanyeshrug goes here*

We agree on the important issues...like Kimberly K.

And of course she is no fool. Nothing is getting past this one.

All that said, the following is the only truth that anyone need be concerned with. It is a lesson I had to learn the hardest way and have been working hard to spread to the masses.

Walking on A dream

I just saw 21 grams and it made me miss my nurses. I didn't have it nearly as good as this guy but I suppose at least I didn't come out with a chemical dependency either so fair is fair. The movie is scarily reminiscent of my experience in that Sean Penn's character is in a weird position with his lady friend. The circumstances bring them together and the director did a great job of portraying an accurate depiction of what things are like for such a couple. The movie overall disturbed me largely because the characters take a mental and emotional spiral that is merely there to facilitate the rest of the movie. I don't know what I would do if I met the widow of my donor and she was smokin' hot but the wall of emotion would be substantial to say the least.

But whatever, Benicio Del Toro did his thing, the sex scene actually was pretty good, and the movie was super interesting and well done. Kudo's. I wish I was as good at ANYTHING as those people are at acting. Each of the 3 main characters each had a scene where they blew me away with their skill. I can't say enough good things so I will just move on.

The nurses are what is important. I have so much love for the women (and men) that helped keep me up and running that I ache not having seen them. I need them and they need me. It is outrageous that we've been apart so long. Jennifer and her new baby, My "personal PICC nurse" and the two son's she will never let out of her sight, and of course my BFF Forever, Nanoor with baby Henry, are all back home loving life I am sure just as I am, but what we had was special and I miss it. I guess I can tell you now since I already told my dad, but it should come as no surprise that I am considering doing something dumb. I want to switch my care back to UCLA medical. The nurses, the techs, and most importantly my surgeon are all still there and of course the people whose job it is to keep me from needing to see them are somewhere else. So I am very seriously thinking of FIRING my current staff. I find it hilarious I have doctors that work for me and that I could fire someone so much smarter and more qualified than I. BUT I'M GONNA! Especially if shit ain't on Point when I come home in a few weeks.

How about this for news while I'm at it. I want to do a full sleeve on my right arm now. As in Tinta para el brazo! I'm trying to gather ideas for a tatoo that will go from shoulder to wrist so if you have any good ones please find a way to get them to me. It's not a for sure thing and would wait until I could get to a good artist anyway so no rush. And if you're anti this idea then don't worry there is still plenty of time for me to lose my arm in a bear trap so you're covered too.

This summer is going to be very important for me because as I see it, this could be the last time I go to any shows for a long time. MIA, NERD, and Empire of the Sun will all be in L.A. and I just don't know what I can see that will top those guys in the near future so I might as well retire right? Empire of the Sun for the uninitiated, are a band from Australia and they sound a lot like MGMT. I'm most excited about MIA, but Empire of the Sun is special because I've not shared them with anyone yet. I saw NERD with Ex#3 so the memory of them is kinda tainted until I can see them again and the same goes for Gnarls Barkley, Chester French, and anything involving Josh Homme strangely. So I need to see Empire because it will be a pure experience. The Black Keys, Gorillaz, basically the core of who I am musically was all shown and now I don't have a single headliner band I really love that isn't tainted with her stink. Dramatic I know but it's really simple. Imagine the most perfect meal possible and now imagine a fly just to the side of that plate. Not touching your food, and quite dead. That meal is hot and ready (or cold if it's sushi) but you are going to eat it with less zeal now for just that one small reason. So as you can see, I am very weird about music and when I start to talk about a band with you, It's like sharing a part of me. Nevertheless it just makes me all the more excited to see a big time act like them live. The sound is unique, but the look even more so. Lots of intricate costumes and makeup go into everything they do and it makes me wonder what life would be like if I ever experimented with psychedelics. Speaking of which...

It is time now for yet another unsolicited story about my time in the hospital:

So the movie 21 grams reminded me of another movie, Across the Universe. And one funny thing about this movie is that there is a dance scene revolving around the use of morphine and the dreams it gives you. Let me go ahead and tell you that me and my good friend Fentanyl went through some hellacious dreams together but I am not sure I'd change things if I could. And my dreams definitely didn't involve half a dozen Salma Hayeks in my room so this guy was getting a great deal on his physcadelics I would say. One such dream is really beyond description it was a horror themed dream but only in the sense that it was dark and there was fear in the air. But so was I.

I was in some sort of M.C. Escher type room where the stairs ran up the walls and I just kind of floated to the top of each flight instead of walking. I felt like I was underwater but everything was lit with torches. I had the same dream each time I went to bed while on this drug which is what made things so weird. Instead of a random part of my subconscious leaking out, instead I was seeing something almost scripted? The details are kind of irrelevant only because there are so many. Not only did I see everthing clear as day while asleep, I retained the images when I woke up and can even now pretty much tell you what was happening and what things looked like. This never happens with natural dreams and I think that's a good thing. Point is..lets all say a prayer of thanks that I am not addicted to this wonder drug, because I will be honest. Fentanyl is a helluva drug.

-----------------------------------------------

Now for some women whom I do NOT love.

Ghost Post #2

Mike Mcfly back up in the building. 3 more tidbits to get you through your day. Lets Gooo!!

1) Before this story gets any more stale I'll go ahead and give my 2 cents. On Jay Leno's new/old show, Sarah Palin decided to do stand up comedy...and Failed. Sarah Palin is an idiot. Not a surprising conclusion for me to come to I know but that fact is even more depressing when you think about all the people who work with and for her, that help make the machine go! Who in their self respecting, right-mind could help that shit show progress? Its to the point now where on the show during her interview, she was asked about the notes she had written on her hand and simply said, "They were things that are important to America."

WHAT THE FUCK!!! Yes energy policy is important but not SO important you could memorize that shit? Are you serious. And no one ever calls her out on it. When she does get called out she's being attacked for being a woman or a patriot. What a mind fuck. It also doesn't help that NO major news sites carried the story. Major left wing blogs like the Daily Kos and Huffington's post's both spoke about it but that wasn't unforseen. Goddammit America, just once lets pretend we're not completely corrupt.

2) Kanye Breast, not only is her name absolutely perfect but it seems the twitterverse is rife with women who aren't ashamed to share their sexual desires. In this case a love of titties and mexican is a prerequisite. This blogs title and this post should answer those two questions straight away. I mean fawning over that cum receptacle he likes to call Kimberly K (let him be angry!), and naming his blog after a damn burrito pretty much make him a shoe in right? I can't personally say whether or not he's endowed, but he is for damn sure a Nerd. Thats a fact jack!! It's my new favorite game to see how many women I can find that describe in part or in totality, this blogs creator, then tweet them and try and get them to contact him. Lets all join the campaign..We know his game is weak. HAHA (yes that was me, and I was also the one who came up with the whale or waif comment and I'm quite proud.)

3) The hottest couple in the game right now, in my opinion, are Zach Galifianakis and Fiona Apple. You can see here he's got the proper amount of emotional detachment to keep Fiona interested while she's just hot enough to keep him from completely tuning her out when she speaks. There wasn't chemistry like this in the Notebook. I have no idea whether or not they're really together and this video is actually from 2008, so the trail has probably gone cold by now if there even was one. But that won't stop me from wishing this would happen. I'm tired of sterile celebrity couples. They only come in two types anyway. The boring normalish ones like Eva Longoria and Tony Parker, who publicly are as bland as corn starch, or the crazy outlandish ones like Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards, where you're just counting down the days until one tries to kill the other. There's really no other type and if they don't fit the type one of them just isn't that famous. I just thought of Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow as a good argument against this but I don't know the last time Gwen was in a movie besides Iron Man? So Zach, Fiona...Get busy.

I agree with the Premise of what you're saying

This is the problem with being a man. No matter how much you love your wife, no matter how gorgeous she is, no matter what kind of things she can do to you in bed. Having her pissed at you for hanging out with a Pussy Cat doll in your living room will just never register as a bad thing. In this guys mind and my own, if my wife is pissed at me for entertaining another woman, that probably means there are two VERY attractive women VERY close to me. And in man-speak that is NEVER bad. And of course as is the secret we all know, when dealing with women…Logic is Homeless.

Lets take a trip

I've been seeing some crazy commercials lately. Both online and on T.V. so I decided to try and illustrate a story for you all using a few of them. In honor of World Aids day which is Dec. 1st and Valentines day which is tomorrow I just want to remind everyone to be careful and always practice safe sex. Shout out to my girl Sara Evjen!! She is on her way to an impoverished country somewhere in the world and will soon be spreading the gospel of safe sex and healthy living to those in need. We are all very proud of you Sarita!

So when it all started I was here

I think I read she wanted him to do whatever he wanted except piss in her mouth? Why stop there I say? I assume whatever did happen resembled this.

Apparently The answer was no. Shouts to El Chisme.

Remember kids you need to be safe.

Been there, but for slightly better reasons I think

I don't find this subject funny at all anymore

Now that's all behind me, so it's...

Mwen di ou messie nou menti

Something terrible happened in Haiti just the other day. Oh, and there was an earthquake as well. Tuesday brought the walls crumbling down in a republic that was already in tatters. The simple fact that people have begun an outpouring of support shows just how fad conscious this country really is. Haiti has long been a deeply impoverished nation. I was going to have a section roughly titled something like: The person Least deserving of their space here on earth; or the PLDOTSHOE of the week if you will. But I’ve since decided that anyone who can make it one day on this wretched rock without being raped, murdered, or volcanoed to death deserves the next day given them.

Life is hard and there is no reason to take anything away from anyone. Haiti in particular with its 60% literacy rate, average yearly income of $560 USD, and overall lack of access to modern day amenities; it’s no small wonder why they were hit so hard by this devastating natural disaster. So don’t mistake me for a Pat Robertson disciple when I say I feel no motivation to assist in this humanitarian effort. I’ve long been a fan of Wyclef Jean and have supported and donated to his efforts on that island for years now. And while this effort is much needed, I think the motivation for our government has as much to do with a need to avoid another scenario in which they’re perceived to be sitting on their hands ala’ Katrina as anything. While our citizens are just caught up in the hype of another trending topic, please believe that no matter what happens, Post-Katrina New Orleans will be just like Haiti in that once the relief efforts have come to a halt, and people turn their attention elsewhere, those who live there will be again forgotten, left with the same substandard conditions they had to begin with…if they’re lucky. You don’t believe me? Ask the folks in Sri Lanka or Samoa, anyone remember the tsunami in Singapore? The woman whose fiancé was taken from her that day does.

Yele Haiti

So please, text, call, send help, GO if you can; do whatever you can to help these people and others. But don’t stop when the fervor ends. Too often these tropical places are only salvaged because they are vacation spots but the indigenous people are largely uncared for. Don’t do it because I said so, do it because it’s right; Let us remember, I’m not talking to you.

What's a Star without it's #1 Fan?

So I know it’s dumb, but I had no idea cats purred. I mean I know they do, but I didn’t know it could just happen. I thought they only made noises in response to stimuli? Well not Waffles. She purrs at me in what amounts to almost a low growl and the first time I heard it, I thought it was my stomach. Both my laptop and Waffles were on my lap and at the time I thought there was a problem with my computer. Apparently she purrs when she wants you to pet her. It’s like a hint, “hey buddy, I would be purring if you would rub my back.” It’s beginning to become a problem. I think we are going to break up soon.

1. Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it's a genderwide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy.

2. Women produce half the world's food but own only 1 percent of its farmland. So we're fine with you picking up the tab. And after about three thousand dinners at Nobu, we should be even.

3. Women like porn, too. We just hate it when you hide the porn.

4. Women remember everything. Don't believe me? Ask your girlfriend where you met. She won't tell you it was at a party. She'll say it was a Thursday, she had just come from dinner, where she ate a veggie burger, and she was wearing her friend Cathy's pink top, which was big on her because Cathy is a big girl. You were wearing a blue button-down, drinking a Jack and Coke with two straws, and talking to Bill, that mutual friend. She waved and you gave her the "what's up" nod. This still infuriates her. ("How could you give me the nod?")

5. An eyelash curler, while mean and ferocious looking, is not a weapon.

6. No matter how much your woman loves you, there are going to be three to seven days each month when she wants you dead. (She may even quietly fantasize about turning her eyelash curler against you.) You have two options: Tie yourself to a tree and wait out the storm, or stock up at Tiffany's, toss a blue box or two into the wind, and hope for the best. We recommend the latter. (The key chain doesn't count.)

7. We think it's weird when you watch sports and concentrate to help your team.

8. "Hey, Melissa, who's the boss?" Not a good pickup line. "Hey, Phoebe, where'd you park your broomstick?" Not a good pickup line. "Hey, Alyssa, you look 250 pounds lighter than Brian Dennehy in that dress." Surprisingly good pickup line.

9. Women hear better than men. That's before you even factor in listening skills and attention spans. Come to think of it, I should have listed this one first because I'm sure I've lost you by now.

10. You may be surprised to know that women were responsible for inventing all of the following: the circular saw, the signal flare, the space suit, the bulletproof vest, and the windshield wiper. You're welcome.

10-things-you-dont-know-about-women

As told to Esquire by Alyssa Milano

Thank you Alyssa, that was a mostly informative and spot on break down of women from what I can tell. Although #2 is laughable because I doubt she has so much seen a cabbage patch let alone worked in a rice paddy, or picked a head of corn.

Teacher's Pet

Full disclosure. I am the son of 2 teachers. This in no way biases my opinion that students in American classrooms are mostly mental midgets but that’s more the schools fault than theirs.

I found video recently of one such student, one who engaged in a physical altercation with a teacher. Now this incident sounds like a classic example of an adult losing control of a situation and harming a child. But lets be honest the 10^th grade student was 2 years from being a legal adult. Fit to fight for her country, pay taxes, and watch R-rated films. Shouldn’t she be a tad closer to avoiding full on scraps with her teacher? The incident took place in May of 2008, in Stone Mountain, Georgia. The bible belt is notoriously weak when it comes to education but this story is dumb on all sides. The teacher claims to have been having trouble from the student all-day long and words had been exchanged prior to the incident. In fact witnesses claim that the tussle was initiated by a kick in the leg from the teacher to the student on her way out of the room. Now what makes this especially mindless on both parts isn’t that it happened or why it happened but when it happened.

These two fools fought each other over what amounts to nothing…on the last day of school. A day in which the schools population is somewhere around that of a theatre during a movies 15^th week of release, on a Tuesday at 11 Am. Oh, and I forgot to mention it was a substitute. For all intents and purposes these two fine young women may not have ever even met.

So what, you ask is my point? Well like any fight, there is only one question, who won? The video evidence is there, as well as the post match aftermath, but unlike sanctioned boxing matches this event had more to it. The substitute may never teach again, and the student is facing starting her junior year on suspension. So who has it worse you ask? The teacher does, and it’s not close.

Getting beat up is always a bad look, but getting beat up, at work, by a teenager is just plain shameful. Not to mention the fact that you will NEVER be getting a job subbing in that state if anywhere ever again. When you woke up that day you surely never expected it to end that way. The sad part is it was up to her to stop it. Though the first blow appears to be thrown in self-defense it was still the first blow. She also later was manhandled and beaten by the student continuously while students stood by and laughed. I simply cannot accept that this would have happened in ay classroom I was ever in. If I were superintendent of that district please believe the student would be placed in some sort of remedial life skills class named, “Things never to do under any circumstances” in her case lets hope having kids is one of the subjects, and the teacher would be fired for acute incompetence but not before I was able to just give her the Ed Lover face for about 15 minutes. I would then follow her laughing as she was escorted off district property most likely onto her new occupation as a fry cook.

This country some call the greatest in the world sure is full of boneheads. Apparently though, one of our eastern friends has a few themselves. Back in February of 2008 a Swedish teacher was found guilty of flashing her 47 year old breasts at a student. What I love is her clear ineptitude of motive structures for teen boys because I can assure you a flash of the tits in response to any action of mine would surely have only resulted in me repeating said action as early and often as my 16 year old self could muster. The teacher said the boy had been writing filth and curse words on the board in class and her attempt to get him to stop was that? This makes no sense at all. I can’t imagine what she thought he’d do but I’m certain it wasn’t get her fired, though that is indeed what did happen. If there is any injustice here at all it is that she was also ordered to pay to the boy roughly $700 (5,000 Swedish Kronor) The court said the boy suffered undue “trauma” as a result of her flash. I admit 47 isn’t the age of most models in the world but he saw tits and didn’t have to pay for it, he WAS paid for it. That’s a travesty.

You may disagree that a teacher fighting a student is her fault just because she was attacked, or that a boob flash doesn’t result in trauma for young boys but that’s ok, because I am not talking to you.

Story on Ga. Teacher Fight

Video of Fight

Teacher Flashes Tits

The Suck-You-Bus

I can resist anything, except temptation- Oscar Wilde