It's all very simple

The heart wants what the heart wants and all I want is someone to put up with my shit so I don't have to..and watch Aquateen with me. It's only been 355 days with this "new heart" so I will give it time to lead me where I need to go. In the meantime I'm home now so this will have to be quick. More/better updates are soon to come..including the 100th post wrap which is now 32 posts late and the end of college wrap which is a month and a half late or 9 months early depending on how you look at it. Tomorrow we go to Huntington Beach and if I'm lucky a visit with the Bodhisattva. See you soon.

Gag order Pt.2

I'm back..a little late as always, but I trust you all had a good holiday weekend.

Thanks,

The Mgmt.

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The older I get the more I realize why people don't want to talk to each other, and why mind reading though improbable seems like a highly overrated talent to have. Let's all take a second to think of the things we think about during a day.

Now lets all promise never to discuss any of that with anyone...because that was just disgusting. I know I have thoughts I wish I could forget all the time. All the time. I wish I KNEW HOW to QUIT you!! No I'm kidding I quit you already...hehehheeh. Shouts to Pruane2Forever.

All I'm saying is that the other day I walked home with bullets and condoms in my pockets. Well actually I went to dinner first at a family restaurant and all I could think was, "if only these folks knew I was so prepared to both end and prevent life right now.." In reality I had just helped a friend move and the two things he had most of in his place were just that- Bullets and Jimmies. I have no clue why an abundance of either is truly necessary but I'd like to think that he just anticipated the worst and that needing a lot of either means either something very good or very bad and so it would be best to be fully prepared for such a moment. Anyway as parting gifts and the down payment on my days work I was afforded a sample of his cache...That's what she said.

I have a spider's bite on my inner thigh. This upsets me in a way that is quite like finding..mud... on your white shorts.... before Wimbledon. God that was an awful analogy. I suppose it's somewhere north or a trip to the dentist but awfully far south of finding a quarter on the ground. As random daily occurrences go, for me, finding a bite of any kind is at it's base a symbol. I, as I'm sure we all do, find my body adorned in every manner of scratch, bruise and sometimes even bites, while putting on clothes or during showers . (My ex used to bite me..HARD. I don't bruise easily but I did often. The perks of long distance relationships are few though, so I'll count bites as one.) But they were all signs, markers, of the fact that someone or something has been on your body and when you get bitten by a spider it almost always is in your sleep and almost never does it yield super powers. So in my opinion they are a a wholly dissatisfactory thing. I do not like it and no matter what Kate says about them eating pests I've never sought out to harm a spider and I'd appreciate if they showed me the same respect.

US Soccer finished as we all knew they would, at home watching like everyone else. There is no hope for the US side to ever contend for a top spot in world soccer competitions because our best athletes are doing every other sport but this. My own brother for instance would make a great body double for Oguchi Onyewu but he is now riding the pine all so he can keep getting a free education at one of the top universities in the nation. I don't disagree with his choice completely. I think it is a safe, smart move. If I had his talents I might try to play at the highest level simply because our team is so piss poor and it would be a nice exercise in exploration to see just how much better we could get by adding talent alone. Never mind our grade school tactics or the complete lack of team alchemy on field. Oh well. Brazil has been bounced and so they too will sit by and watch. Funny how two overhyped teams have been ousted by more upstart competition. I don't read the Portuguese news but I'm pretty sure one of the biggest endorsers of the Brazilian side is actually an american company. Nike and all the oodles of soccer fans here stateside adorned in the Azul y Verde latch onto them because our own team is so incompetent. Hungry to latch on to a winner more so than most othe countries we eschew patriotism and root for Goliath instead of our own burgeoning David. It is hard to root against a team like the Brazilians but there is no reason why so much talent should fizzle out so readily. What they have in talent usually makes up for the lack in perseverance but in the sad reality of things the US and Brazil are at opposite ends of the same truth; One is too talented for their own good, the other just thinks they're too good.

I know I shouldn't but I'm going to anyway.

I don't know who makes these but they make me feel like I'm on the Truman show.

Let's Find out

Though if that dream I had last night is true, then this isn't actually true.

Jane's Addiction

Over dinner one night last week I got to talking about my Heart Surgery and all that entails. The question I get asked most is also the one I have no answer for most of the time. Until now that is. People always want to know one thing, "how did you get through it all", which to me is a funny question. No one ever asks how you persevere past a cold, or what it took to come back from a broken bone? Sure heart failure is more serious but it is just as unpredictable and hard to prevent right? I've come to the conclusion however that my success has as much to do with medicine and a strong support system as it has to do with my horrible attitude.

Jadakiss said it best I think. "Fuck Boys do Fuck boy shit/ I never have and still ain't nothing to fucked with." It's really quite poetic I think. As a man and as part of American culture I've long idolized the Hero character. The Lone Ranger, Tony Stark, Greg House, and Richard Branson. You'll find that for the most part they all mostly faked it until they made it but did so as an art form. They were so adept at asserting their will that each day the character in question would get up and never question for one waking minute whether or not he could face and conquer all that came at him that day. It is an irrational belief for anyone really but it doesn't stop them, that is why they're revered in our society. So to answer the question of how I survived this harrowing adventure all you need to know is that to me it wasn't a task at all. I honestly am unimpressed by it and continue each day to be unimpressed. I suppose if you told me that you had done the same thing and I never did I would consider it a feat. And even though I have gone through it I still do find it incredible others can and do each day. It's just me I'm unexcited about. However that doesn't mean you shouldn't be excited about your own achievements and so to help you achieve them I give you...

The "Rules to live by", not to be confused with my "Rules for being Human".

1) Don't overcomplicate things. The more nuance you give something, the higher the probability that you find a way to mess things up.

2) Be clear of what you want. The last thing you need is other people deciding for you. Assert yourself. Took me a while to learn this one but once you get it down then you'll be in the drivers seat.

3) Women: Make them smile. Get them in a good mood then keep them that way. You are really only ever safe when they are happy. Women.Happy.ALWAYS.

4) Don't follow the pack. If the majority of People are doing it then you don't want to do it. Trust me. When was getting a degree a fad, how about curing cancer, is that a fad? No, so do you and be unique. Do your best to not resemble what you see on TV. (Unless it's E! Because if you have the ability to make yourself or anyone else resemble Kim Kardashian then I'll never stop you.)

5) Test folks. Disagree or contradict people every now and then for no real reason. Their reactions to this will tell you who is with you and who is against you.

Now back to the topic. Let's look at one of the first arguments I ever had with Ex pt.3. I told her one night that I wasn't a "nice" guy because "nice" at that point sounded like "chump". I of course proceeded to piss her off in an attempt to show just how tough and all that I was but the problem I was having was feeling my ability to stand up to a challenge was fully appreciated and what she was having trouble with was understanding why I wasn't comfortable with the label. Years later as I demanded French Toast and juice whilst intubated, I'm sure we all figured out tough wasn't nearly strong enough a word for me.

Simply not giving a fuck is my key to success ladies and gents. It either will or it wont be.

Speaking of BJ (she loves these little shout outs), I saw her on my last trip home. She's graduated it seems. If not then the quote I left on her Cap'n'Gown photo is a bit premature. Oh well. Is it weird I miss her sometimes? Yea I think so too. Not 2009 her though anyway. 2005-06 was a much better vintage and I missed that even while we still spoke. So...yea. I miss lots of things by the way... Sushi, California sun, smog. It's familiarity I crave so don't judge me. Speaking of Gowns I find them incredibly fun o wear. I have no intention of being a judge but I think on my next trip to a show in Portland I'm gonna rock mine so just a heads up Patrick.

Bonus Rule- Take off that silly ass Hat!

Come Be My Friend

**Written on the plane 5/26**

Today I take my last trip home from school ever. It would be a bigger moment for me had things worked out differently but to be honest this trip has everything to do with life and nothing to do with school and for the first time since I was 5 years old those two aren’t the same thing. I’m a teachers kid, an honor roll student, a school boy. I’m also an Academic probate, a rebel, who for lack of a better term is basically stealing his degree this term. I really miss the days when all I had to worry about was my GPA but I look forward to the days when I don’t have to cram every ten weeks. It’s been fun. I have no regrets about going to school. I just did a Net Present Value assignment for my Econ class and I had to compare the value of a job I could have gotten out of highschool with the value of a job I could get with my degree. Assuming a certain interest rate, adding up my fixed and indirect costs and spanning a 20-year period, I am financially better off for having gone to school. In one of the analyses I did, the dollar figure was actually pretty close. Education isn’t cheap, but I was happy I chose school anyway. Maybe I won’t be any richer after I pay off all these loans but at least my Bodhisattva will get to tell people her Nino is an Astronaut and not a city construction worker. And to me that’s the point. I would be just as well off either way but to the people around me and those who need my support; I owe it to them not to take the easy way out because I see no shame in working for the city...matter of fact I’d get better holidays. If I had it to do over again I actually would have studied more. I spoke with a friend from high school and we just kind of talked about how the dudes in school who all the girls wanted to bone back then are now fat with three kids. Not that I couldn’t see this coming in some instances (I see you Tate’r Mac!) but for the most part this shocked me. I mean men get more distinguished with age right? Maybe so, maybe no, but I guess it feels good to have made it the other side of things with my hairline static and what little sex appeal I have still intact.

I'd like to give a shout out to all girls right now. When guys come home we ALWAYS smell like whatever they were wearing...for better or for worse. Tonight wasn't a bad one but you end up wishing they were still there or being glad they're not. Smell is after all, the strongest sense tied to memory so maybe they're onto something. I have another random story from the Hospital but it is so long that It will be it's own post. So instead I offer you this.

Things that happen when you start a blog

1. Random people from Europe will send you highly unacceptable pictures like this:

2. When you witness craziness you will react with joy not the usual remorse for the decay of our society:

3. Realize that if you replace "Andy" with "T-Rex", this is a reenactment of an actual conversation I've had:

As all guilty men do, You will rewrite your History

I've got to assume that since literally 99% of you watch me work and never interact that you aren't looking to be heard, but are here to see what I have to offer. In that sense I feel better because I always felt bad for not including your vision here, but at the same time am sad because I have to admit I'm not entirely sure I can hold the audience. No matter I'm going to keep doing what I've always done. So here goes.

I went to lunch with a classmate of mine last week. Something I honestly wish I could have done more of in the past but that wasn't my journey so I don't stress it. The days post tense have left me thinking only one thing...I think I was a bit too comfortable in my own skin around her? I hear the way to handle these things is to just be yourself but when you're me that can be both a good and bad thing. It's a bit whimsical because there are obviously many interactions and so for me to assume that it was my openness that caused any glitch in the Matrix is a tad presumptuous but not completely unfounded. Lets hope this weekend brings improved results. I love my girl Ariana by the way, who once I informed her a cock block had appeared in our class out of nowhere, told me I was going to give up rather than increase my effort. From her, and only from her is that more a statement of fact than a putdown. I don't know how she got to know me so well but no of course I have to prove her wrong because as right as she may be I'm still competitive.

My idea for the sleeve tat' is basically at a standstill. I know I want it and I know where I want it. But the final two choices are much harder. Where to get them and whether to get them are pretty much road blocking the process. I have plans to meet up with a friend back in Long Beach in a few weeks and hopefully she can help shed light on all this and Melissa should be back from her honeymoon by then so I'm sure I can get an earful of sense from her too. Though...now that I think of it, she's had some "work done" so maybe she won't be as down on this idea as I expect. I have this weird urge to implode sometimes and I think it might manifest itself in a post soon. I mean True Hollywood Story type, tell all post about myself that may needlessly put things into the public forum that don't need to be there. I dunno why it is those things intrigue me in the least but..if I were like everyone else then I suppose I wouldn't be writing this would I?

P.S. - SEE YOU THERE!!!!!!

I'll make it easy on you, what a disaster

No school for me today. Just wasn't up to it. I thought a lot about Michaela last night and her mom. It sucks to say and I feel wrong for saying it but I really do miss the hospital sometimes. There are plenty of people who would obviously love to trade with me so I don't for a second forget how lucky we all are to be on this side of the hospital doors. All this has also made me soften my stance. I don't think it ever got written here, maybe it did? But when I'm in the position to go back I really do want to go and see patients in the hospital. It is a shitty circumstance and if seeing me is any sort of consolation then I'm all for it. I don't know what Bill Sears is up to but I will be at UCLA to see Chris and everyone first thing saturday morning. I don't think I ever shouted out Rhodora which is a shame because she is one of my most favorite earthlings ever. You would be hard pressed to find a better person than her. Shouts to my man Newman while I'm at it.

I've seen this pose before, seems to be a female favorite?

Like I said graduation is right around the corner so the flights and hotel room are booked and P-Unit infiltration to my land of solace is exactly 30 days away.

There usually isn't any thing political going on here and for good reason. I don't like to run my yap on things that a) I don't know anything about b) seem mostly unimportant or c) aren't that exciting. But this is an instance where even in violation of rules B and C I have to speak on the matter. I was going to post a video from CNN featuring the dynamic AC360 but it's a big file that I didn't wanna sit around waiting to upload. Point is this. Some idiot whose name I will not even bother to go lookup is both a Doctor and an officer in the military. In what must have been his attempt to further prove to me, no matter what educational accolades you receive, you can still be a Dumbass, he decided to ignore his orders to return to war because he thinks President Obama is not actually an American.

What the Fuck is wrong with people. There's a rant inside me that I won't type out but just imagine the expletives landing like rain on a windshield and you'll get the picture. Part of me is upset that he is not deploying to Afghanistan. This feels like an overwrought plot to skip out on a trip back to the middle east and that along with this obviously blatant attack on the president for no reason really anger me. This punk ass looks the part too. He sat up on AC360 looking like the type of guy who would snitch you out in two seconds flat. Take it from me, I was raised a skittish, unassuming, weakling and only through experience did I learn to stand up and be a better person, so I can still spot someone with no heart from a mile away. The look in someone's eyes when they will sell you out for no reason at all is pretty apparent and this dude has it. I was livid to hear his argument but then when he popped up on CNN with a lawyer in tow who ended up doing all the talking for him I knew this was a gutless bastard the likes of which we've never seen before. If you truly were trying to take a stand for yourself and what you believed in, risking jail, professional ruin, and shame, you wouldn't let that ride on a lawyers lips. You would be marching hard trying to get the word out. This fool sat there and didn't say shit. He didn't even look like he wanted to...I'm just gonna take 5 seconds and *woosah*

Okay, I'm back. And the only thing that seems to make sense anymore is astrology. I love to make real life choices based on the power of the Zodiac because unlike actual religion there are no rules and as an added bonus it actually has some real life applications. Take 'Alex' for example. She was born on the last day of her sign just like i was so I know that though I could use the one set of dates most people would to figure things out, this one will be more useful.

That being said I don't feel beholden to this particularly dreary prediciton. Perhaps I am just still caught up in, "the powerful initial attraction" phase of things, but even still I get to laugh at ridiculous phrases like that. I've got enough self imposed rules of my own so getting to bend and break these really make things a lot easier for me to get behind. Besides if there is a single lesson I've learned it's that...

The Black Keys

It's time

Tell your friends, Hate week is back. First week of May. All right here @ the WB&C.

Here look, I don't want you to see this

When I was happy, I was too busy to write about it. Busy being happy I mean. So if the content of my thoughts are different now it's most likely because I'm mad and ready to tell the world, but that doesn't mean I won't be happy ever again. This world is full of projecting by people in similar situations. Some want to cope with it via Facebook statuses or subliminal tweets. As I scroll my feeds everyday I see these virulent messages; "I am so glad to be done with him!", "Well that was a waste of time", and of course "I'm on to the next one!!" But all this does is sully the experience of being happy for everyone who isn't in the same boat. I dont think relationships are bad and I don't deny that people need to vent so what happy medium could there be?

I find that the line I most readily draw is right between commentary and advice. I fully support everyones right to publicly wish ill and spout negativity as it relates to their own life. I've felt such dark and evil thoughts that I felt I HAD to spew them because they felt toxic to keep inside. Goodness gracious "just get this out and move on" I thought to myself. However when someone wants to say "all women are useless" or "love is for fools" then I have to take issue. I don't want you telling me love sucks..I'm happy loving things. Shoes, fast cars, gummi bears, music....BACON! I love those things. I mean what could be better than being able to feel love, I think it is one of life's small blessings. We love whatever we are drawn to and no one can tell us not to.

So when you get hurt and want to put things up on your public site that work to undo the greatness of something simply because you feel like you no longer have access to it, please just don't. I mean I could give you all twenty straight quotes that detail how love has served to cause nothing but pain and suffering but just like RELIGION often claims to bring a positive influence to peoples live, nothing harmful ever done by the church was done with the intent of bestowing "love". When you get yelled at, or cheated on, or enslaved, or nailed to a cross, it is not because someone doing it loves you. So yes love will blind you, but that's not all loves fault. The inordinate amount of evidence that seems to support the reprobate nature of love is merely because those of us lucky enough to be in a state of bliss are far too busy enjoying that to worry about telling people. It is also the reason conversely that we ALL hate to hear about how happy someone is. I do support the anti-sharing movement. If you and your lover are happy then go be happy. Don't tell me how great it is, don't share the amazing things you do for one another trust me I could care less and if I don't care I doubt anyone cares. My ex said I was too nice to everyone else and not nice enough to her...probably true so trust me I feel confident in saying No.one.wants.to.hear.that.mush.

If anyone is guilty of subliminalities it must be me, but that's because a lot of my messages are always backed up by real world actions. I'd never just threaten or gripe and not act on it. I'm quite certain the people who I hold near and dear to me WISHED i'd only subliminally lash out as I tend to overindulge myself. So please I implore you..let us be done with all that jibba jabba about fools rushing in, or love being for saps. Do you wanna die sad and alone?

In the words of the ever quotable Briana Loca, "I'm not mad at life, just mad at YOUR life."

I haven't written in a long while

But I really want too. I have a lot to say, and more importantly questions to ask. I've been far to lazy of late and I will do better. For tonight I will leave you with these words from a favorite band of mine. Ella quiere Venganza. They above all else have taught me, I really should pay more attention in the future.

She smelled like 2am

Took him back to her place

Where all the saints adorn the walls

Delivering her from grace

He knew he should leave

That this could only turn cold

She was a bad bad girl

So he told her so

Under the shadows of doubt

He had the whisper of lust

He said no touching tonight

She closed her eyes in his trust

She said tuck me in

He knew his judgement was sound

Still he pulled back the sheets

And said you better lie down cause the angels are watching

She closed her eyes and said quit the talking

You can hurt me do whatever you like

Her every word was in italics

As it would fall from her lips

The walls made of broken promises

He hoped this wouldn't be his

She said tell me what to do

He knew right then he was done

Feeling lonely and confused

He said you better lie down cause the angels are watching

She closed her eyes and said quit the talking

You can hurt me do whatever you like

So he said shut your mouth girl the angels are listening

You better lie down cause the angels are watching

She closed her eyes and said quit the talking

You can hurt me do whatever you like

She crossed herself now the moments are missing

You can hurt me do whatever you like

Glancing through the curtains

Questions on her tongue

She spoke in third person

And he had seen every one

Awkward and admitted

Said shut the door when you go

Perhaps he should have reconsidered (oh no)

When he said you better lie down cause the angels are watching

She closed her eyes and said quit the talking

You can hurt me do whatever you like

So he said shut your mouth girl the angels are listening

She crossed herself now the moments are missing

You can hurt me do whatever you like