I want You: Plural not Possessive

Last Friday night didn't go quite as expected and I've learned a lesson I ought to have long ago. My words are a weapon and their biggest victim is myself. I pop off all the time. I'm quite unafraid to write or say certain things and this usually works only to make me out to be a bigger ass hole than I need to be. I think I've said it before and I'm going to say it again. "When the only tool you have is a hammer, to you, the whole world is a nail." I think I often use my writing specifically to do a job better done sometimes another way.

It's summer time, which means it's time for grody, sweaty sex and movies. This isn't that kind of webpage so for now I will just stick with movies. I don't know what happened to this video and why it looks so trippy but I actually like it. Otherwise it's just 4 Frenchmen standing awkwardly while a bunch of Liberal Hippies cheer them on. Please enjoy.

Ed. Note: Apparently the video uploaded in a very normal and boring fashion; the trippy and much cooler version on my computer was never seen. I continue to apologize that your life is not mine.

The Mgmt.

This Shit right here

Look I'm sorry...I know I told you I was going to come with new inspiration and new subject matter but tonight happened first. I actually want to talk about race in a positive way. My goal is to make race like any other topic of discussion. It's a taboo subject that no one can speak on comfortably and those that do speak comfortably, usually do so poorly and in a manner that make you wish they wouldn't. Alas tonight brings about a cherished moment in which someone stumbles upon the topic clumsily at an extremely inopportune time. If you're unfamiliar with slurs being thrown at you then imagine being deathly allergic to bee stings and every few weeks or so someone either purposely or incidentally calls you the N word. It's feels something similar to that. What gets me the most is how casual people can be about it. It's amazing to me how easily some folks will allow themselves to just speak out of pocket. I've said it before and I'll say it again but I've lived in a place now for almost 6 years where on many an occasion I am the first of my kind someone else has ever interacted with and so in many ways I've lived 6 years as nearly an Alien. Different than a foreigner or someone of a different gender. Even on a continent where people look a lot more like me than anywhere else I am still different. People are no longer parading down a street dressed in garb specifically meant to signify their hate (not in lage number at least...well not all the time at least..at least not where I live..I hope) but the mentality is still there. "I think this and regardless of how that may make you feel I am going to carry on because to be honest I have no idea how you might feel and don't care to even guess." The title picture speaks volumes to me. Imagine walking down a street and passing a large group of people who wore clothes or some other way made it known VERY clearly that if they weren't busy going to the movies or just happened to catch the inclination they would kidnap and kill you without any provocation quite readily. YOU. READER. ARE SOON TO BE SNATCHED AND MURDERED. Why? Simply because someone else wants you gone. To pass that group by and just carry on with your day is crazy to me. What a mind fuck.

I think there have only been two occasions in my adult life in which someone proceeded to call me or refer to me as the N-word. The first time shouldn't have been that much of a surprise since my friends first comment about her initial trip to my house was shock at the lack of a specific smell and then later telling me she had a had a distinct personal distaste for black girls. Surely she'd forgotten whom my mother and grandmothers grew up as. But it was an honest mistake I am certain. Her friends and family probably share similar sentiments and within her circle of friends it is more than acceptable to speak like that. This girl tonight (guys seems to be more thoughtful around me?) I am less familiar with but what happened I am all too familiar with. I don't accidentally refer to my gay friends as fags or even tell them to stop being gay when they don't want to do things I ask them to. And for the most part Gay-ness isn't a visible trait...My Blackness however I like to think is. So as this person I'd never met before handed me a ping pong ball she said, "Here ya go Nigga..oh wait that might be offensive to you huh?"

What to do, what to do..? What would you have done? What is to be done? Why are we doing anything? Unfortunately I am accustomed with this stream of thought. The options are wide and varied, but in something I think abuse victims are fully familiar with, the prevailing interest at just that moment is mostly "Make this end ASAP" I don't want to defend my honor, or set people straight. I'm never out to cause a scene. To me what matters is making it stop because all other options seem longer and more painful even if the end result is better. It is never really awkward however. I always feel like whatever I do will be the right choice because it will be justified. Awkward is watching people who I know and like try to deal with the situation around me. Singing song lyrics, reciting raps, just telling jokes...people find themselves on radio edit mode and the pauses are filled with tension and pain. Most times I just laugh because it is like some unspoken agreement that if I left the room just then things would go on explicitly but as a courtesy to me I'll be spared.

The worst for me though, is hearing someone I actually like, talk out of their ass. I've heard again and again that most comedians aren't racist because they are equal opportunity offenders. This from a woman who's husband is Latino. I wish just once I'd dared to ask her if calling me a Nigger would be okay as long as she called him a Spic? No Melissa that logic doesn't follow. I dunno what people think but this all just shows me that my life's work is laid out for me and there's nothing left but to do it. I can't count the number of times now I've been pushed to write on a topic ahead of schedule with something already in the works and here we are again. I'll soon have the full diatribe up but for now just know that if you are a friend of mine your speech will be as free of racial slurs as mine is and that when you are reciting text, lyrics, or movies, it is up to you what form it takes coming out of your mouth, but I will never find issue with the repetition of copyrighted material. It's not my place to tell you what bears repeating or not. I hate writing these. I'm going to do a Blog-cation where I only post pictures, videos, and write about things I saw on TV for two weeks. I'm starting to depress myself.

We Are Rockstars by Jt-Rex

Jane's Addiction

Over dinner one night last week I got to talking about my Heart Surgery and all that entails. The question I get asked most is also the one I have no answer for most of the time. Until now that is. People always want to know one thing, "how did you get through it all", which to me is a funny question. No one ever asks how you persevere past a cold, or what it took to come back from a broken bone? Sure heart failure is more serious but it is just as unpredictable and hard to prevent right? I've come to the conclusion however that my success has as much to do with medicine and a strong support system as it has to do with my horrible attitude.

Jadakiss said it best I think. "Fuck Boys do Fuck boy shit/ I never have and still ain't nothing to fucked with." It's really quite poetic I think. As a man and as part of American culture I've long idolized the Hero character. The Lone Ranger, Tony Stark, Greg House, and Richard Branson. You'll find that for the most part they all mostly faked it until they made it but did so as an art form. They were so adept at asserting their will that each day the character in question would get up and never question for one waking minute whether or not he could face and conquer all that came at him that day. It is an irrational belief for anyone really but it doesn't stop them, that is why they're revered in our society. So to answer the question of how I survived this harrowing adventure all you need to know is that to me it wasn't a task at all. I honestly am unimpressed by it and continue each day to be unimpressed. I suppose if you told me that you had done the same thing and I never did I would consider it a feat. And even though I have gone through it I still do find it incredible others can and do each day. It's just me I'm unexcited about. However that doesn't mean you shouldn't be excited about your own achievements and so to help you achieve them I give you...

The "Rules to live by", not to be confused with my "Rules for being Human".

1) Don't overcomplicate things. The more nuance you give something, the higher the probability that you find a way to mess things up.

2) Be clear of what you want. The last thing you need is other people deciding for you. Assert yourself. Took me a while to learn this one but once you get it down then you'll be in the drivers seat.

3) Women: Make them smile. Get them in a good mood then keep them that way. You are really only ever safe when they are happy. Women.Happy.ALWAYS.

4) Don't follow the pack. If the majority of People are doing it then you don't want to do it. Trust me. When was getting a degree a fad, how about curing cancer, is that a fad? No, so do you and be unique. Do your best to not resemble what you see on TV. (Unless it's E! Because if you have the ability to make yourself or anyone else resemble Kim Kardashian then I'll never stop you.)

5) Test folks. Disagree or contradict people every now and then for no real reason. Their reactions to this will tell you who is with you and who is against you.

Now back to the topic. Let's look at one of the first arguments I ever had with Ex pt.3. I told her one night that I wasn't a "nice" guy because "nice" at that point sounded like "chump". I of course proceeded to piss her off in an attempt to show just how tough and all that I was but the problem I was having was feeling my ability to stand up to a challenge was fully appreciated and what she was having trouble with was understanding why I wasn't comfortable with the label. Years later as I demanded French Toast and juice whilst intubated, I'm sure we all figured out tough wasn't nearly strong enough a word for me.

Simply not giving a fuck is my key to success ladies and gents. It either will or it wont be.

Speaking of BJ (she loves these little shout outs), I saw her on my last trip home. She's graduated it seems. If not then the quote I left on her Cap'n'Gown photo is a bit premature. Oh well. Is it weird I miss her sometimes? Yea I think so too. Not 2009 her though anyway. 2005-06 was a much better vintage and I missed that even while we still spoke. So...yea. I miss lots of things by the way... Sushi, California sun, smog. It's familiarity I crave so don't judge me. Speaking of Gowns I find them incredibly fun o wear. I have no intention of being a judge but I think on my next trip to a show in Portland I'm gonna rock mine so just a heads up Patrick.

Bonus Rule- Take off that silly ass Hat!