Jane's Addiction

Over dinner one night last week I got to talking about my Heart Surgery and all that entails. The question I get asked most is also the one I have no answer for most of the time. Until now that is. People always want to know one thing, "how did you get through it all", which to me is a funny question. No one ever asks how you persevere past a cold, or what it took to come back from a broken bone? Sure heart failure is more serious but it is just as unpredictable and hard to prevent right? I've come to the conclusion however that my success has as much to do with medicine and a strong support system as it has to do with my horrible attitude.

Jadakiss said it best I think. "Fuck Boys do Fuck boy shit/ I never have and still ain't nothing to fucked with." It's really quite poetic I think. As a man and as part of American culture I've long idolized the Hero character. The Lone Ranger, Tony Stark, Greg House, and Richard Branson. You'll find that for the most part they all mostly faked it until they made it but did so as an art form. They were so adept at asserting their will that each day the character in question would get up and never question for one waking minute whether or not he could face and conquer all that came at him that day. It is an irrational belief for anyone really but it doesn't stop them, that is why they're revered in our society. So to answer the question of how I survived this harrowing adventure all you need to know is that to me it wasn't a task at all. I honestly am unimpressed by it and continue each day to be unimpressed. I suppose if you told me that you had done the same thing and I never did I would consider it a feat. And even though I have gone through it I still do find it incredible others can and do each day. It's just me I'm unexcited about. However that doesn't mean you shouldn't be excited about your own achievements and so to help you achieve them I give you...

The "Rules to live by", not to be confused with my "Rules for being Human".

1) Don't overcomplicate things. The more nuance you give something, the higher the probability that you find a way to mess things up.

2) Be clear of what you want. The last thing you need is other people deciding for you. Assert yourself. Took me a while to learn this one but once you get it down then you'll be in the drivers seat.

3) Women: Make them smile. Get them in a good mood then keep them that way. You are really only ever safe when they are happy. Women.Happy.ALWAYS.

4) Don't follow the pack. If the majority of People are doing it then you don't want to do it. Trust me. When was getting a degree a fad, how about curing cancer, is that a fad? No, so do you and be unique. Do your best to not resemble what you see on TV. (Unless it's E! Because if you have the ability to make yourself or anyone else resemble Kim Kardashian then I'll never stop you.)

5) Test folks. Disagree or contradict people every now and then for no real reason. Their reactions to this will tell you who is with you and who is against you.

Now back to the topic. Let's look at one of the first arguments I ever had with Ex pt.3. I told her one night that I wasn't a "nice" guy because "nice" at that point sounded like "chump". I of course proceeded to piss her off in an attempt to show just how tough and all that I was but the problem I was having was feeling my ability to stand up to a challenge was fully appreciated and what she was having trouble with was understanding why I wasn't comfortable with the label. Years later as I demanded French Toast and juice whilst intubated, I'm sure we all figured out tough wasn't nearly strong enough a word for me.

Simply not giving a fuck is my key to success ladies and gents. It either will or it wont be.

Speaking of BJ (she loves these little shout outs), I saw her on my last trip home. She's graduated it seems. If not then the quote I left on her Cap'n'Gown photo is a bit premature. Oh well. Is it weird I miss her sometimes? Yea I think so too. Not 2009 her though anyway. 2005-06 was a much better vintage and I missed that even while we still spoke. So...yea. I miss lots of things by the way... Sushi, California sun, smog. It's familiarity I crave so don't judge me. Speaking of Gowns I find them incredibly fun o wear. I have no intention of being a judge but I think on my next trip to a show in Portland I'm gonna rock mine so just a heads up Patrick.

Bonus Rule- Take off that silly ass Hat!

Sabes que te quiero pero te mataré si me dejas

They don't call it a romance language for nothing. =) I was stuck in a room by myself all day today. Well not really by myself, "Maddie", the Anthropomorphic cartoon representation of the average shopper at your local Macy's location was there to guide me through my training. I spent 7 hours today trapped inside the mall and hated most every minute of it. The ladies who work in HR are actually extremely nice so shout out to them for helping me blindly fumble my way through a job I had to keep reminding myself high school kids can do. See this job would have been a lot more appealing if I wasn't moments from a Bachelors degree, but I just spent over $100,000 and 5 years working so I'd never have to do shit like this but here I am with a summer job all lined up. I was actually warned during the portion of our training that outlines the code of conduct that anything I do or say on my own time "may" be used as grounds for dismissal but to be honest 1) You'd almost be doing me a favor, 2) I dare you.

I'm kidding, I love Macy's and actually found their history to be quite intriguing. The average shopper there is a middle aged woman, in the work force, perhaps with a kid, perhaps not. So I imagine my time in the Men's Wear department will be mostly tranquil. The funniest part about today was that the computer system I was on crashed and I actually had fun setting it all back up so I could continue to drone on with my mock transactions. I'm just a teachers kid is all.

The bigger issue is so close I won't be able to write about it until after it's happened I fear. I may find a moment to really bust out this end of school post I've been equally dreading and loving but the P-units will be here in force by next Sunday so I may actually just commit suicide instead and save myself the pain and suffering that is sure to come. I haven't really even done a true recap of my trip home I don't think (there are LOTS of drafts sitting on my desktop right now) and that means no one, except those who were there, knows about the job offers I got. But what about Grad school? My ex dumped me because I selfishly wanted to chase my dreams to go to law school on the east coast and she was sick of waiting (can you blame her though?). It'd be a shame to lose both her and the dream but CA is just so damn sunny how can I resist? Until I can collect my thoughts I'm just going to say I have a choice much the same as the chick in the Notebook. My two great loves are pulling me in opposite directions and I cannot pick where I want to end up. I know I've got some good ideas started elsewhere so I'm going to stop babbling now and go work on them so I can get something done. Until then..the job I'm glad not to have.

A compromising Posistion

Betrayal is an interesting thing. People deal with it everyday. Perhaps the most interesting thing about being betrayed, is that it's a pure byproduct of being human. Society is a construction designed to keep human's from utter chaos. We pool our collective freedom's and in exchange we gain safety. However this peace of mind is delicate and there are those of us who still subscribe to the Hobbesian ideal that life is brutish and short. That humans are unfit to govern and to trust is a mistake. Albeit there is plenty of evidence to support this, it makes personal relationships quite difficult. Blocking your heart, your trust, and being uncomfortable is a safe thing, not an easy one. I wish there were some way to find answers for what our intended roles were. Monogamy? Polygamy? Hetero/Homo sexuality? What, if any of these are the correct way to live your life. Of course the simple answer is to find something that works for you. Surely in a planet of 6 billion individuals you can find at least one person with whom you share a common ideology. The trouble is that in a world where we seldom make real friends outside of our zip code, finding this person is something similar to finding mall parking on Black Friday. We must therefore make compromises to make the situation work for us.

As I see it, finding someone with whom you can fight life's battles is the most important thing. A diad is an incredibly strong thing. Someone having your back is the key to human success. There are many times a parent won't do simple things for personal gain, but watch what actions they can do in the name of a child. Lovers traditionally pledge to serve one another until death do them apart. My favorite scene in any one movie is the one in Good Will Hunting. Robin Williams is explaining to Matt Damon that though his wife is dead, he remains unmarried...Because his "Wife is dead" The career comedian delivers these lines with such force that you don't doubt for one second he speaks of an actual lost love.

This picture I've described of monogamous, deep, everlasting love, is a tenuous one indeed. The same power this love brings, the power to send Mothers into burning buildings after children and Husbands into the ocean after drowning wives is the very same power that left Williams' character in a state on mental paralysis. His love was so great that when he lost his wife, she took with her part of his functionality. This love, is a wonderous thing, but when the trust is betrayed it can do irreparable damage. Crimes of passion are some of the hardest to predict, but easiest to understand.

So it begs the question is it a misguided idea to even attempt such relationships? If engaging in this kind of love opens a pandoras box of emotion and power the likes of which few of us are prepared to wield...then perhaps we should refrain. I could talk about the power love brings and what the right and wrong ways to use it are, but in the end when Love compels you to fly around the world just to see one you love for a moment, no one questions it. So when Love compels you to do something of equal magnitude in what can be seen as a destructive manner, then I won't be one to question those acts either.

As they say, "All is fair in Love & War". You may disagree, but I assure you...I'm not talking to you.