So I'm at an age where I realize all my wants and desires conflict with each other. My biggest dream is that everything will have its place in life..perfectly, like a puzzle. For instance I would love to be a young father. Seems simple right? I want to be in my late 20’s or early thirties so that when my kid is 18 I’m just entering my 50’s, perhaps not even that. Ok sure fine, if that’s what I really wanted, then I’m sure I could have had that. At present it seems like that is the last thing in the world that is going to happen for me. But that’s ok because there is the other half of this dream I need to work on too. I want to be a young dad because I envision myself as a stay at home dad. Either mommy makes enough money for all, or the nature of my job is such that I can afford to stay home for long periods of time with the kids. Doing stuff like taking them to school, hanging out on weekends, flirting with all the moms who’ll be pissed their husbands aren’t the 6’4”, child loving, Adonis’, my wife will have. Funny thing about this world though, it is hard to find any of the pieces in this made up puzzle to fit together. A smart, young, career driven woman, certainly wouldn’t let me knock her up right at the age most women are finishing their undergrad’s all so I live out my dream as the stay at home dad. Oh and did I mention I’m lobbying for breast feeding as long as possible for my kids? I’ve heard good things about this and I don’t want them to be sickly like me. And million dollar careers don’t seem to fall into the laps of guys fresh out of undergrad, so how I will be able to travel the world and just have a career, all while dating women from across the continent, doesn’t seem clear to me just yet. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I know what I want I can’t have so instead I will just move around until I see something I really like. That makes almost even less sense but really It’s my only other option. The movie big fish I think is a great tale about a man who knew what he wanted and valued what he had. Life was good, but with an imagination like his he’d always dream of something better. The key idea behind breast implants is this very thing. “What if women could have breasts that were perky AND huge at the same time!?” Yea it doesn’t work like that but in this modern economy for a few thousand dollars you can invest in a set of falsies that will make it LOOK like your tits fit both categories.
I don’t know where I will end up when I do settle down, but as always it’s not where I started and not where I am now so I guess I gotta keep going. In a world that is always changing I just don’t see how I’ll figure any of this out before I get to that point but here is what I do know. My family is important to me. All I’ve ever wanted since I was a kid was an awesome partner. Someone who was going to keep me in check and not let me be too ridiculous, because I would do the same for them. I want to be a good parent, and If I’m lucky enough to be that then I want to raise a kid, any kid, to be a better person than me. If it’s a girl that will be quite a task but this is an entirely different story. What I’m worried about is not so much that I can’t find an amazing woman or raise an amazing child, but whether I can achieve both my career aspirations and familial ones. Ask the children of any truly successful person and see what they’d like most, usually it’s more time with their parent. My own little Bodhisattva is still growing up and everytime I see her she is bigger and bigger. I have promised myself I’ll be there to take her to the first day of kindergarten. I don’t think there is a person on the earth I have more love for than that little girl. This in part is why I can’t raise a girl, women are made of some sort of JT-Rex kryptonite or something…though the more they speak the less it works so with age it tends to weaken, but then direct contact multiplies it by 11 Zillion so…yea.
In my life making a positive influence is important I have many goals and dreams but I am now old enough to realize that better men than I have tried and failed to make the changes I want happen so I shouldn’t be surprised if I fall short too. This doesn’t dissuade me however. I just have to be smarter/more realistic about what I can get done. It is my sincere hope that I meet a model of some sort who studied physics, that ran track in highschool, who is a great mom, and excels at her career in Anti-trust litigation, all while I carve out a home life for our brood and teach them things like ODB lyrics and the finer points of John Fuqua movies. I want to have money in such magnitude that it loses its value. I want to be rich such that I experience some sort of personal inflation where I literally cannot be coaxed out of bed for a meager $10,000. I will be a good role model I’m sure but being a father is an entirely different thing. This sounds good on paper but I’m just curious to see how close I am when it all pans out. Something tells me I might be off just a bit, but not by much, and even if I am I will be more than happy anyway.
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