Killing Ants with a Sledgehammer

You have probably heard me say it before, and you'll definitely hear me say it again, but as the saying goes, "If all you have is a Hammer, then the whole world appears to be a nail." I had the discussion with my good friend the other day and came to the conclusion that I'm only happy when I'm not. It's not that I like to rain of parades or invoke my inner Debbie Downer. What I enjoy is knowing that no one can ruin my mood, and so long as I'm comfortably upset it's pretty hard to shift my pleasure curve in a negative direction. (EDIT: "He who sleeps on the ground, cannot fall out of bed." Just saw this on twitter and found it pertinent. Carry on. 5/2/10)
Now that being said I think it is fair to say that there is also some measure of self indulgence going on because we are all good at different things and because humans tend to enjoy doing things they are good at it can be hard to get us to stop doing said, things. For me this is a problem because best I can tell I am really good at one thing but in 2 specific ways. But just because I'm naturally inclined to do them, doesn't mean I have to, mostly I just enjoy it more. I'm a master aggravator of people and I'm sure of this because I only actively try to piss off a small percentage, say 12%, of those I actually anger. And the one person I want to stop pissing off the most (myself) is constantly displeased. Imagine if Kobe were only trying to score 12% of the points he scores? Imagine if Paula Dean were only trying to clog our arteries with 12% of her recipes? That's how I feel about upsetting people, but as I mentioned it's only in two real instances.

1) Any woman who is a non-mother, under 40, whom I meet, has a 60% chance of completely hating me, this is most of what leads me to hate myself.

2) Anyone I disagree with is like a string to a kitten for me. I don't have to toy with them, but it's more fun if I do. The inability to pick my battles is the other part of what I do that irks myself.

So as you can imagine the group of people who should first be questioned upon my untimely demise would have to be any women in the Pacific time zone who like Sean Hannity. One of those Cunts is probably to blame.
Speaking of Killing people sometimes my blood just sets to boiling and I can't really do much about it. I met a girl at the gym just last week and we got to talking about astrology. Thing is we are both Aries and as such we fit out astrological make up more closely than any other sign. A lot of my real world friends may be confused but just like some women can be born in a mans body I feel like an Aries born in a Pisces body. (The conflict therein makes up nearly all the rest of my self hatred.) So as I mentioned when all you've got is one tool, you tend to try and use that tool for every job. If you're ex #3 of mine, then that tool is quite literally your vagina and you will use it to try and solve as many of life's problems as possible. (I think she came up with that slogan for USPS: If it FITS, it SHIPS!) If you are Barack Hussein Obama, you're weapon of choice seems to be the oratorical skills that you use nearly every chance you get. I don't know what my tool is personally, but as the She-Aries and I decided fixation is a HUGE part of who we are. Imagine the way your dog gets when he hears you open up the treat jar, or the way you stare down other peoples food at Claim Jumper when you thought that was YOUR chicken fried steak coming out of the kitchen.'s like that. So basically when I set to doing things the greater task for me is often the choice between doing it sufficiently and doing it as i'd have it done. Here is an example of my mind at work.

About a year ago there was a rash of Piracy stories on the news. West African Pirates had become increasingly aggressive and the western world was concerned. A ship was eventually captured that was worth enough (American) money that its occupation became front page news. Now right here is where I set to work because I actually don't like the feeling of people lasered in on something. It can be nice to have such focus but it's tiring and I like to be done with things quickly and decidedly. In my mind the solution was simple. The pirates wanted a sum of money in exchange for the crew, now at a separate location. In my mind the exact sum they wanted would be floated alongside the vessel atop a barge. I understand this probably isn't how ransoms are usually paid but I don't imagine they'd have a Paypal account so I'm floating the cash on a barge over to them. Besides it is now in plain sight which is what I want because next I am going to light that money on fire.

Yes that's right. Flame will meet bill and a bonfire of great economic proportion will ensue. Why you ask? Because I don't have time for this is why. I am not here to play games or hear out your political statement, but since the pirates felt it prudent to grab my attention in this instance then they will suffer my hypothetical wrath. I'd also probably blow up the ship they were holding captive simply to say money can be reprinted, and goods can be remade, but time is precious, and I'm not about to waste it dealing with you all. If that's how things had happened, I'm 100% certain no one would ever steal my boats ever again.

So yea...I guess I can be heavy handed at times, but trust me I'd enjoy a quick painless mistake far more, than a long protracted success. It's why I love Youtube and hate "Lost".


  1. "If you're ex #3 of mine, then that tool is quite literally your vagina and you will use it to try and solve as many as life's problems as possible. (I think she came up with that slogan for USPS: If it FITS, it SHIPS!)" Thanks for the laugh.

  2. You're welcome. That line occurred to me more as an after thought than as a joke. Thanks for reading.

  3. That was sarcasm. Here is a quote from the show we used to watch together over the phone during your first year in Oregon,"I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don't get to call me a whore."-Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy. Yes, I read all of this. I am an emotional cutter.Keep up the good work.

  4. You two should meet..then seek help.