Hate Is not the Opposite of Love



Ask me how I feel about something and chances are I “Hate” it.

You name it, I hate it.

I hate so many things that I often refer to things I hate as things I love instead, because I just don’t want to wear out the term. Never trust anyone who says they don’t like the word hate. They’re either in denial or don’t know what hate is all about…yet. If you ask me, Hate is great! I kinda enjoy the feeling I get hating something for the first time. And there are varying degree’s of hate to enjoy as well. Like fine wine, I often find myself remarking candidly, it’s been so long since I’ve had hate like this. Yet hate isn’t all there is to talk about.

Hate and Hating, they’re two different things. Hate is, “to have a strong aversion to, or feel intense and passionate dislike towards” You can hate something without hating on it. A good rule of thumb is this: If you had the opportunity to save this thing from a fire using only battery acid (would that even work?), you still wouldn’t, that’s hate. But if you just like making rude or disparaging comments about something then you’re hating. Generally speaking Traffic is something you hate and Boy bands are something you hate on.

Lets also make one thing clear, we are all haters. At one time or another I believe it is intrinsic in us all to be haters. The coolest people I know are haters. Kids are haters, grandparents are haters, women are haters, and men can hate too. To not hate is to have an attachment so untied with society or a comfort within one’s own skin so great, that nothing anyone else does or has could bother you. It’s a level of emotional docility that few if any humans have.

I want to emphasize that hating is a verb, an action, whereas to hate is a feeling or an adjective. English doesn’t lend itself to such fine variations so forgive any confusion but always remember that often conceit can be the root cause of hating so Hating can be considered the inverse of Conceit. Would you like to know the difference between Jennifer Anniston and Courtney Cox? Well, one has haters and the other stars in Cougar Town, Wednesdays 8:30/9:30 CT on ABC! This is an important distinction because if you think there is any tangible difference between the two then you are mistaken. We all know Ms. Cox-Arquette is the less cute, brunette version of Jen, so what fun is it to hate on her? Life has already dealt her a hand not unlike our own. T.V. millions be damned, she has to go down in history as the 4th place finisher in the cute race on friends. Yes I know there were only 3 women. She’s behind Jen, Lisa Kudrow and Matt Leblanc. (It’s ok, I said it so you wouldn’t have to.)

Point is, hating on someone isn’t just a reflection of their accomplishments relevant to our own. It you hate on anyone who happens to have a better stake in life than you…then you’re bitter. So how is it that we come to hate you ask? It’s simple. Hating is an equal and opposite reaction to the amount someone has versus how much they deserve. So the first rule of hating is that you can never hate on someone for something which you don’t value. If I find out some guy is getting hooked up with an endless supply of Swedish Fish, or left handed scissors, or Maxi Pads, it’s doubtful I’ll flinch at that because those are things I have little use for and wouldn’t buy with Bill Gates’ wallet. Now alternately if I find out someone has been hired to be Kim Kardashians personal Bra and underwear shopper whose only job is to accompany her on trips to Vicki’s and help her try them on, please believe NO ONE, will ever be deserving of that job more than me. Now my natural aversion to hating will preclude me from hating out loud, but alone, in my own thoughts, I’d be hating my ass off, GUARANTEED.

Hating is fun for us. No one gets hurt and everyone goes home happy. But hating is a strange thing. There is something that compels us to look at a complete stranger and decide something about them or what they’re doing makes us dislike them enough to tell them or other people about it, even when it has no effect whatsoever. We hate all day and all night. TMZ, Radar Online, and even Twitter are all mechanisms we use to hate on the rich or simply famous. Part of it is access I’m sure. In this Internet era we live in, there are many opportunities to make known what grievances we wish to redress and with which Celebs we take issue. Can you imagine trying to hate on Eddie Murphy in the 80’s? How on earth would you ever start? Short of buying a billboard across from his hotel when he stopped in your city on his world tour; or spreading some rumor to the news about how leather body suits were causing AIDS breakouts; there was almost no tangible way to tell him or anyone but your hairdresser/barber how much he annoyed you. Perhaps it’s just coincidence that he started doing Dr. Doolittle around the same time the internet became a viable communication tool. Because those movies suck and we ALL know about it even though we’ve probably never seen one.


So let us recap. Hate and Hating are two different things, you can’t hate on anyone for something you don’t care about, and hate is often the response to someone getting to full of themselves. I try not to hate but I understand we all get salty from time to time. Whether it’s that cute chick with the fugly boyfriend, or the dumb girl in school with the brand new Benz, we all have a part of us who knows we are just a bit more deserving of something someone else has and won’t let us get over it


There are many things I do not hate. There are few things I all out love. Each day I want to leave you on a positive note so I will give you one thing I truly do not hate.

Today’s entry in the things I love column is...

Jeggings

I thought I'd start off nice and easy with an obvious choice. The close relative of yoga pants, spandies, and tights. Jeggings are for the girl who just Must have pockets but can't bear to deprive mine eyes. Thank you Jeggings, job well done.

Hate Week 2010


Tomorrow marks my first ever Hate week! It's like shark week but better because Shark week is played out now anyway...oops It's starting already. Come find out if you're a hater, what I really just can't stand, and the person, place, or thing I hate more than anything else.

"I'll blame this one on the recession"


I've made some friends through all this Bloggery I've been doing and happened to impart the details linked to most of my relationship related posts. I've been trying to put the issue to rest but sometimes you need to stand by your failures to recognize your success. I know I'm not well versed in the rules that apply to this life, the "Rules of the game" if you will. I learned at a late age not to believe my eyes more than my ears, learning the difference between rules and reality still irks me at times, and I often wonder how long I would have lasted on the island in "Lord of the Flies"? So for me the discussion is always more an inquiry on a topic than dwelling on a sad story. At any rate I got an email this morning of some comments made, I guess about me and my lack of understanding for "real world" nuance. Like, "if she's not getting it from you, she'll get it somewhere else", "shit or get off the pot", "Believe half of what you see, and none of what you hear", all adages I have heard but never really incorporated into my mindset. (I still really don't think i can?)

So this is what one of my compadres and their friends came up with as a way to sate my anger one night apparently.

"Dude don't worry, you had her in her prime."

"It's your fault, your game's not tight enough"

"She's not going to age well, it's down hill from here."

"You get what you pay for"

"They weighed the same? Does that make him a waif or her a whale?"

"If it's meant to be, it would have been."

"Don't worry there's always J-date or eHarmony"

"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth"

"In about 5 years when gravity takes over, you'll look back and be glad this happened"

"Be glad this happened before you had kids"

"You're to young to settle down"

Though I don't believe all of this, and I have no idea who said what, it all makes me laugh. Especially the one about my game being weak thanks for that!

I want to hear some more funny sayings. Leave some in the comments if you think of anything.

Bring 'em Home


The Yankees signed Marcus Thames this month to a minor league deal. It's a return home for the 1996 draftee. He is one of 80 players to hit a HR in his first AB. All I know about him besides that is that he's there because they decided to let Johnny D, and his awesome stroke to right field walk and he's named after a british river. But if Johnny had to go I'm ok with it if this is the result. We all know Mr. Damon is happier when he doesn't have to shave, and more importantly it means a roster spot for another Black player in the MLB. There has been a sharp decline in participation by African American youth is baseball over the past few decades as the likes of Ozzie Smith and Dave Winfield have faded into the background. Economics coupled with a lack of good role models is what I think is at the heart of this issue. I myself came to love the sport in a backwards way.
My father openly lobbied against it. Many many times I heard that baseball players were all fat and slow. With only 8.4% of current players fitting the Black/Non-Hispanic definition I couldn't very well pick a name off the top of my head to contradict this point, though now Torri Hunter, Carl Crawford, Jermaine Dye, Dontrelle Willis, The Uptons, and of course CC, come to mind without much thought. The problem is that I can name the teams these fellas play for but I feel that even among baseball fans I may be in the minority (no puns). And if a fan could name the team I'm sure it has more to do with the fact they stand out amongst their teamates than because they're actually big named stars.
Major League Baseball is aware of this and has implemented the RBI program which is aimed at Restoring Baseball in Inner cities. A big problem with baseball in inner cities is the lack of viable fields on which to play. With little in the way of role models on top of that, there is almost no drive to get kids to seek out such places. The founder of this program discovered that kids tend to quit baseball right between the ages of 13-16. (It will become obvious why a little further down.) Sponsors, fields, and lack of organization aren't even the first obstacles they will face, as even the youth who do play baseball are dissuaded come high school athletics. College football teams carry 85 full scholarships. Often this is broken up so that 80 or so guys can have a full ride, while 10 or so guys still share a split of some sort. No other sport comes even close to providing that many opportunities. Baseball and basketball combined don't carry 35 let alone 85 scholarshipped athletes.
The question comes down to this. If you are a talented 13 year old who is starting his or her freshman year of highschool and you can only play one sport because of time and financial concerns...which do you pick. A college basketball team seems like good choice but baseball allows you to go to school AND get paid. Also top flight baseball prospects rarely see the inside of lecture halls and head straight to the minors for a cash bonus up front. Good basketball players more and more are heading to the NBA at a faster rate so the turnover of roster spots is much higher at some elite schools. Yet football has so many roster spots that it seems almost ludicrous to take a risk putting all your eggs into one basket with one of the other two big sports.
As games go, an intense baseball game is far more exciting than any other in my opinion. The slow pace is more of a suspenseful linger in my opinion but that is neither here nor there. It is my hope that one day I can make a fortune in whatever turns out to be my calling and help support programs like RBI. Time will tell whether or not CC Sabathia being the Ace of a World Champion staff will lead to higher sustained participation. In the mean time we need to find a way to co-opt this guy more for his membership in the culture. It's guys like that who kept me interested in the game and gave me someone to root for both on the field and off.

Pitchers and catcher reported last wednesday. Lets hope CC does it again! Last year he was not only the only black player in the bullpen but also the ONLY black player on the team...Unless you count Jete' and midseason acquisition Jerry Hairston who together combine for one more. Shouts to my man Jason Mayden at Brand Jordan for keeping CC laced in the flyest of the fly. Octavio Lubrano and DJ keep coming with the heat!

There is really only one way to describe last night

It started out like this.




and concluded like so.




"La Petit Mort" makes so much more sense now.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry


I hope my last few posts have been coherent. I used to write only once a week or so, and everything was thought out before I put it to paper. Nowadays, I get half an idea of what it is I want to say, and I’m already typing it into my blackberry as a note to self. I want to take a moment to welcome my new readers. You may already know but in case you don’t Google and Blogger allow me to see who reads my blog when and how often. How long you stay and whether or not you go leave directly from my page to go to another. I’m not sure of it’s accuracy but it’s broken down by city and browser so it appears most of you like me are staring at a Macintosh screen right now on either Safari or Chrome. In this warrantless wiretap era I’m sure someone may find this bothersome but trust me, I have no plans to sell this information or use it in any way so if this is you, relax. One thing that does interest me is finding out where my readers come from. I know some of you but not all of you. Obviously most of you are from Oregon and California but I’d like to welcome my Australian and UK readers as well. Hujambo! Besides, here I am telling most every detail of my fully uninteresting life and all I get to see are dots on a map.

Thank you all so much for reading even though you are the shyest, non commenting, no discussion having, ghost whispering, *anyonethere* ?, mickey fickeys EVER. This blog is a lot like me, Clean cut, sharp lines, lots of color, and plain rude.

Hello to London, Shelby County, Scranton, South Gate, Tualatin, Mill Valley, Northridge, Atlanta, Kalispell, Melbourne, and of course Long Beach/Signal Hill (M.S.G. I see you!) I don’t have a goal to spread this blog worldwide or anything. I’ve already talked about my lack of means and motive to market myself, I’ll just be happy if I have one reader, but since I don’t read any of my own stuff after I write it, It is up to you guys to make sure I don’t drop below that incredibly uninspired benchmark.

The title picture is STS-130 in orbit after the last spacewalk. A cupola was attached to the back of the space station so they could see earth. My question is why wasn't this a stock feature on the roughly $70 Billion dollar party favor? You mean to tell me you put a friggin' space station up there and it DIDN'T have an Earth facing view? What the fuck are you talking about NASA? By the way it cost's about $40 Million just to launch a shuttle mission so we basically spent that much just to install a sun roof in something that should have already had it. No wonder they're shutting down N.A.S.A. The good news is that the Tranquility Node (that silver thing on the left) is up there so Stephen C.O.L.B.E.R.T. is finally in space..or back where he came from.

Next week is going to be “Hate week” here at the WB & C. Sponsored by Silky Johnson, Bill O’Reilly and Curt Schilling. I’m going to do a post a day about the existence of Hate and what I think about it. I’m a bit of an expert on hating things so allow me to try my hand at breaking down the dialogue surrounding this debate.

The Wings Don't make you fly, and the crown don't make you King


So today I went to work. My blackberry sucks, and the alarm didn't go off which I hate. Not the way to start my day, but it was a Saturday so you know what that means...Oh hai thurr ladies. (I cannot wait to bag my first MILF. It will be epic.) (Sis if you're reading this and you know someone...) Today was an interesting day as far as watching youth basketball goes. It was juxtaposed with all my current life problems (insurance, school, Andrew Fernino, etc) and watching these little kids run around and act out their 11 year old angst just made me feel queasy. Let us take a moment and say a prayer for our preteen selves. That, any of us survived those times is a mystery. Girls especially. Man, oh man. The prospect of raising a daughter scares me. Expertly navigating the intricate rules society has for women, with self esteem intact, is so hard that there's nothing exciting or inviting about trying to do it. And from what I can see it's not even the kids fault (it never is really). I saw a girl out there who was having to keep pulling up her bra strap, obviously her first, during the game...Finances aside, can't her mom or dad see she is obviously in need of the Brandi Chastain special? Not to mention the girl had hair down to her waist with one stretched out scrunchy to try and tame that mane. Her mom sent her out into the world hair unbraided, bosom unswaddled, and shoes untied. How is she supposed to be poised or command respect looking like that? Furthermore, at that nubile age, she like other girls in her shoes could realistically draw attention from men ranging in ages from her own all the way up to literally the edge of death. In Japan you could sell her underwear in a vending machine for God's Sake. What kind of mind fuck must that be? We need to do better. Like the wise poet laureate Chris Rock once said, "If she ends up on the pole, you done fucked up!" It's insufficient parenting I say.



Note: when you watch 11 year old girls try and play basketball, these are the mental tangents your mind takes at times. I got my Hillary Clinton/building a better woman/save the babies on ok? Trust me the game was beyond uninteresting. I randomly guessed the over/under would be 52 combined points. I took the under...I won. For those of you counting at home; that was 2 teams, playing 32 minutes, who combined to average under 26 points each. Brutal. I'll be ranting on the WNBA soon enough.


I digress. I'm awkward now, but at least I know it, back then I was a flaming ball of awkward and I didn't even know it. High water sweats 7 days a week, hair brushing optional, the classic. So I will assert once again be glad you're not 11 anymore. Life certainly isn't looking any better on this side of puberty but at least we have some say in it now. And for the record I had a flashback of my own. I recall often walking onto the court after a timeout and not knowing wether we we're on offense of defense, what side I should go to, and my favorite calling out the man I'd be guarding even though 30 seconds ago our coach had told us we'd be in a zone defense. Yup ignorance is bliss. And I grew up one Blissful little Mug'.


Que Chevere!!!


I think I have solved the mystery of the videos. Please take the time to go back through and check them out now. There are a few gems tucked away in there. Especially the Funny Or Die video featuring Nicole Scherzingfurble from the Pussy Cat Dolls.

I can't Help but Wonder what it's like


So I've got a new habit of writing some thought out into completion, and then deciding it is totally useless. Which I think is actually a good thing. Most often when I write I'm using the spaghetti method with my thoughts anyway. So not everything needs to be posted, I usually just need to work out some stuff in my head.
What I learned from the last little "spaghetti tossing" session is that I am horribly impatient. I can feel my skin itch at times when I'm forced to wait. Lots of people meet me and are shocked to hear or see this because I tend to have a calm demeanor. The reasoning behind it is convoluted. I have ideas as to why I sometimes am as patient as a rock, and other times bristle before I even have real cause, but can't really pin it down. Point being, I really wish I could learn to be appropriately patient. I don't have a good sense of when I'm being too patient, and when I'm not being patient enough, I can't really calm down easily. I can feel my mind trying to put the brakes on the rest of me and it never works, it practically makes things worse.
I've also realized that I have no forgiveness in my soul. I only find issue with this because it seems to be such a lionized trait. I was once told that forgiveness is a saintly task and that I was far from saintly...=( I never cared about being a saint until someone told me I couldn't be one. Now I NEED to be one. It's silly I know but my real problem is that I just don't believe in it. Forgiving someone means to cease being angry for an "offense, flaw, or mistake."
Now I don't think I've ever been mad at someone for a flaw, except for one of the many nurses I refused to allow in my room, whose voice sounded EXACTLY like Marion Ramsey in Police Academy (ear...splitting...pitch). I tend to forgive mistakes if I'm mad at all; albeit slowly but quicker now than ever before. It is those tricky offenses that I find so difficult. When someone is deliberately deceitful, mean, rude, conniving, or otherwise evil, then my initial reaction is retribution but short of that I am equally as deliberate in my inability to forgive said action. Apologies are often given but the action still remains. Even in instances where the misdeed can be remedied, I still don't think I could be quick to forgive. In large part forgiving was never taught to me so I don't have a background with it. There is another post floating around somewhere on separating the person from the accomplishment. Michael Jackson is a great example. I fully believe he molested many young children but he was also the greatest musical artist of his time. His talent with dance and music far outweigh his magnitude as a criminal and molester but the fact still remains. Also I'm not in any real position to stake that claim, because though he doesn't seem to have been serial or malicious in his negative acts towards children, I was never his victim and therefore cannot say how devastating it must be for those who were. To them perhaps he was a much worse person than he was a good artist. Case in point it's hard to forgive him, because no matter how you feel about what he did, and no matter what excuse he gives, I just don't see the pain he caused going away, and therefore neither will my displeasure with him.
I can't even really fully understand all the facets of forgiveness. Many people say that it is a sign you're holding onto past transgressions and still aren't happy when you fail to forgive. I reject that, as there are many people who have done unforgivable things in my opinion whom I never think about except for when they're mentioned. I also struggle with the notion that forgiveness is something we should embrace. It is largely a biblical sentiment and the idea behind it seems to play into some larger subtexts in holy works that I also take issue with. So I won't discuss that here but suffice it to say I seriously question whether or not we need to even have this notion of telling people that their wrongs are okay. Imagine drawing up a society all your own on an island somewhere. The rules, laws, and requirements for living there are all yours to create. At which point do you start including forgiveness. It's nowhere in our constitution and the laws that stipulate forgiveness all require that we pay some sort of prasad or offering to show our desire to be forgiven. You get a ticket and you must pay it. And even after you pay it you get a point on your driving record unless you perform a further sacrifice by going to driving school. In life an apology is one thing, to make amends is another, but to seek and get forgiveness is just on an entirely different level. For me I like to think not caring and forgiving are two different thing. Perhaps I'm making to big a deal out of forgiving.

I saw an episode of the "First 48" and a mother whose pregnant daughter was shot and killed by a hired hitman found it in her heart to forgive both the killer and the man who ordered it be done. My first question was why? Letting the other two men know she'd forgiven them may earn her brownie points in heaven, but there is no rational reason to do such a thing. Maybe she had just been raised to believe in it. Or maybe she actually didn't harbor any ill will towards them because she knew it wouldn't bring back her child? Regardless of her reasoning, forgiving someone doesn't really change the act. And remember I'm only talking about the misdeeds carried out deliberately against you here, forgiving a thief is quite easy compared to a traitor.
So for me the question comes down to this; if you want to forgive someone, and they want forgiveness, should you do it? Is it healthy to forgive someone's "sins" against you and move forward with them in your life, or are you bound to do something different? At first glance if it were my country that I was founding, I think at the very least I'd have some sort of show cause memorandum in the bylaws to find out people's reasoning. I know it's probably just me, but I feel like it's somewhat detrimental..? In Zach Braff's movie "The Last Kiss" which I feel I've written about before, he cheats on his fiance, with some woman who means little to him, but is more of a trophy or accomplishment for him. She of course finds out and shuns him. He however wants nothing more than to be with her. The movie opens with them discussing their life together and the wedding is imminent for them. So after seeking council he reconciles himself to sleeping on the front porch of their home. He simply sits, and waits. At some point she may have even made him a sandwhich as a small concession to his efforts, but as I mentioned in my post about revenge those small concessions are hard for me. The movie asks you to gauge your own thoughts on the situation and to be honest I can't blame her for never speaking to him again, as a matter of fact I'd have advised her to invite over a friend and make sure to make love in such a way that he knew what was happening. The tricky thing is whether or not I'd be okay with her bringing him back into her home? In my opinion it's a personal decision. I'd probably tell her not to, and after watching many friends try to forgive and fail I now exactly why I'd say that.

As for me I simply don't have the capacity to forget. So even If I forgave, those transgressions would still be my cross to bear. I'm still too young and prideful to even consider forgiving anyone for anything these days, and to be honest I hope that never changes. It just sickens me to imagine a future self of mine standing alongside anyone who did me harm intentionally. I did it once, it isn't likely to happen again. You may disagree, but you should be advised I'm not talking to you.

I'm so Ready to fight



It's come to my attention that the video's I so meticulously picked to be part of this blog are not playing at the moment. All I can ask is that you bear with me as I try to rectify this. Please come back and give them a look in day or so.

Lo Siento.

September 20, 2005


You don't get it, she did everything right. Right now she's perfect, I don't want to ruin that.

I agree with the Premise of what you're saying

This is the problem with being a man. No matter how much you love your wife, no matter how gorgeous she is, no matter what kind of things she can do to you in bed. Having her pissed at you for hanging out with a Pussy Cat doll in your living room will just never register as a bad thing. In this guys mind and my own, if my wife is pissed at me for entertaining another woman, that probably means there are two VERY attractive women VERY close to me. And in man-speak that is NEVER bad. And of course as is the secret we all know, when dealing with women…Logic is Homeless.

video

Sanka... you dead?


I have a lot of new posts, many new tidbits, and a lot of new ideas. So if you’re not caught up go back now, and take a peak. I did a special tribute to my Grandmother who passed away last Monday and took the week off out of respect but now I’m back. Though I’m never up to watch SNL when it airs, I think It’s taken a definite turn for the better this season. This cast doesn’t have a lot of names you can assume will be stars later on which makes it better to watch in my opinion. All the cast members really go all out for their bits because lord knows…there isn’t a big time movie roll on the other side of the door for them. I love Kenan’s “What’s up with That!?” and the recurring digital shorts done so well by Andy Samberg. And of course Kristen Wiig can do no wrong on the SNL stage in my eyes. The only thing I can find issue with is the casting. Nasim Pedrad and Jenny Slate look exactly alike. Like Exactly! It’s uncanny because they were hired at the same time and play similar roles. I don’t understand and I don’t mind. I’m a big fan of both, especially Nasim and her portrayal of any and all “dark” skinned ethnicities; namely her Kim Kardashian impersonation. She herself hails from Tehran so shouts to all my Iranian people.

Also in the news is the Winter Olympics. Making Xenophobia cool once again! I love to make completely irrational statements about how much I hate Canada, but really I just like being able to take a stance which I don’t have to defend. Being a Patriot is all the defense I need. So far the Canadians have botched the opening ceremony, before today had never won a Gold at home, and there’s one more thing…oh yea, Somone DIED! I’m upset about it, not because it happened but because it happened in practice. The Winter Games to me are beyond stupid. Skiing, snowboarding, even curling are alright. But Ice dancing, short track speed skating, and the Luge are all seemingly stupid sports that defeat the purpose of games. Finding 4 guys, a bobsled and a track to race on not to mention competition seems much harder than just 4 guys a ball and a hoop? Who thought these things up? And with so little athleticism involved in some of these events are they really even Olympic in degree of difficulty. Don’t get me wrong I love watching Apollo Ohno and his nearly 30 year old goatee but I love it because as in his Silver medal winning race two guys collided and if they crashed in a manner just 6 inches different one way or the other we could have seen someone lose their head…literally. Basically, when the difference between good and bad is to far apart the sport stops being fun. In Luge for instance the Georgian racer who lost his life has two options at the top of the hill. He could either do really well and top out at over 90 MPH or he could do really poorly and carry that speed into a concrete post. I wish that had he done it in a competition, in front of fans (a live T.V. audience is now a thing of the past in this post-Janet Jackson society of ours), perhaps then we could put a stop to this nonsense. Until then I will continue to watch each short track race just wondering when someone will lose a finger, and each Sled based race and wonder how long it will be until we tire of seeing people hurtling across ice? Talk about cultural differences, if not for these made up competitions in the Winter Games, we may never see anyone of Nordic decent atop a medal stand. Is there any amount of money someone could pay you to partake in the winter Olympics right now? I’d have to say no. One run down the ice or snow and I may not live to spend my riches. The Canucks by the way have won their first gold but not before I got to witness an American snatch one away from them on the last run of the day in Women's Moguls!! MINDLESS CHANTS!! MINDLESS CHANTS!!

Listen to your Heart


In case you missed it, you may wanna check this out first: The Prelude

Never bad when I can work in a bad heart related pun to open up a post. I found a letter I wrote a few years ago. I’ve been sitting on a Valentines day post for quite sometime. But I’d rather use this because it’s much happier than what I’d previously written and as I promised, this will be mostly "nice"? However, love, the idea of loving unconditionally and being happy forever with another human being are deep and troublesome topics to write about. Out of respect for my readers who have found their soul mates, and those who think they’ll never find their soul mates, or even have one to begin with, I’ll shy away from talking about the institution of love, because I have many many thoughts, though none are concise enough for this entry. Rather I will just describe how Love should look as far as I’m concerned, and show you something it made me do one time.
Valentines day and any ritual centered around gift giving on the basis of love seems flawed to me. Love should make us want to do things without being asked to. If you can circle the date on the calendar in which you expect to receive some gift from a loved one and it’s not your birthday then my natural inclination is to try and trick you. In the past this has led to my week before deliveries, and also to my outright refusal to participate. You can imagine which of those days went over better than the other.
The other thing about Valentines day that disturbs me is that I think it unfairly emphasizes one time displays of affection over sustained acts of love and appreciation. One thing my ex could never understand was that by asking me to kiss her, or saying she wanted me to tell her I loved her, I inherently felt like I should wait but then make note to make sure I did or said those things more going forward. I understand people like the simple binary of asking and then immediately receiving. But for me it was more complicated when it came to love. I want to permeate the totality of someone’s experience with me with positive memories and good times. I can’t do that if I’m just giving of myself just when expected. Case in point, I have a complex about giving when you see it coming, it feels false, it feels fake, and I don’t like it. I'd sooner lie to you just so I can surprise you, than tell you the truth and give you what you expect. All that aside, in the future I’ll definitely work to go back to being more spontaneous with my love, and try not to be as predictable, I’m sure it was easy for you to deduce that outside of Valentines day I must have been getting requests for a reason.

Back to this letter of mine. It was unformatted when I saw it, I don’t think it was ever meant to be. All I said was…

I love you, the way you are, when we’re not together.
I think it’s why friends can feel stress when they live together for the first time.
You’re so nice to me, when you only see me sometimes.
It’s like you’re fighting to make the space between now and the next time you see me Shorter.
You are more beautiful than I think even I knew. I’ve known you longer than we’ve been dating. But sometimes I swear I’m seeing you with new eyes.
Hanging out, you and I both, is some sort of vacation. What we say and what we do is hardly planned, but when we don’t it feels like we have to make up for lost time.
I laugh at you constantly, You amaze me constantly.
I don’t underestimate your ability, you’ve proven time and again you have no other plans but us.
I like the sound of that, the same way the drums in The Seed 2.0 sound right just as soon as you hear them. Matt Tong, ?uestlove, Dave Grohl Type drums. Soul shaking certainty.
You drive me crazy and I love it.


I honestly don’t know when I wrote this, it was probably during the summer of 2007. During this class I took on Love and Sex. Psych 399 I think it was? I was single at that time ironically enough, headed into what would be the most tumultuous summer I’ve ever witnessed, followed by the single worst Valentines day ever. I cannot imagine a more horrible set of circumstances but lets just say my date tried to change her flight back home within 2 hours of seeing me, and then at some point I threatened to make her sleep outside once I found out she actually HAD moved her flight up to 6 am the next day. Oh and then she changed it back again and we ended up spending the next 3 or 4 nights together. A very different 4 night stand than the initial one we had. WHOAH, I’m getting flustered just thinking about that. Yes for those of you counting at home, that's one trip home from the airport, 2 calls to the ticket office to change flights, $100 dollars in fee's to end up leaving the same day you originally planned to, and the true recipe for disaster. I was just weeks from my 22nd birthday then as well. I swear, my whole kingdom to the person who can send me back in time to fix that day, though I’d go back much further than that if I could. Goodness. I haven’t even begun to describe how bad it was, because as entertaining as it may be, it was fairly traumatic for us both, and I don’t think we came away unscathed. Even now I think just the nature of that day and all that happened, makes me wish it hadn’t. That relationship saw many bouts but that one was…wow, almost unspeakable. And I LIKE fighting. This blog is specifically here for me to air out my arguments. So yes it seems alien that these words and that relationship all came from one place.
Neither of them had any bearing on valentines day for me though. Love strong enough to make me that sappy, and hate deep enough to send a girl to sleep in an alley didn’t make me love or hate this holiday any more or any less. I find it just as flawed when I’m single (like today) as I do when I’m not single. Plain and simple. Love should be good on it's own, no holiday can help or hurt that. It's a bit addicting, Love is. Like Drake said, "I want this shit forever mayne." Pat Benatar said love was a battlefield though. Hmm?
I’ll leave you all with this message, don’t ever leave your love unattended. It’s not like an accomplishment you can attain and then sit back and marvel at. I’d liken it more to that scene in Avatar, when Neytiri is describing to Jake how he will know when he’s found the Ikran meant for him. “How will I know if it’s chosen me?” and her only answer is “He will try to kill you.” Maybe there’s something wrong with me but I think that is exactly how love should be.

Maybe I should stop doing this?


She's wearing her morning face loud and proud
This wouldn't make a horrible idea for a new Tatoo

These girls witnessed 2/14/08

Lets take a trip

I've been seeing some crazy commercials lately. Both online and on T.V. so I decided to try and illustrate a story for you all using a few of them. In honor of World Aids day which is Dec. 1st and Valentines day which is tomorrow I just want to remind everyone to be careful and always practice safe sex. Shout out to my girl Sara Evjen!! She is on her way to an impoverished country somewhere in the world and will soon be spreading the gospel of safe sex and healthy living to those in need. We are all very proud of you Sarita!

So when it all started I was here
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I think I read she wanted him to do whatever he wanted except piss in her mouth? Why stop there I say? I assume whatever did happen resembled this.
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Apparently The answer was no. Shouts to El Chisme.
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Remember kids you need to be safe.
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Been there, but for slightly better reasons I think
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I don't find this subject funny at all anymore
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Now that's all behind me, so it's...
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The Prelude


I just spent about an hour writing a post detailing the events of perhaps one of the worst valentines days of all time. It revolved around a story of my ex-girlfriend (or as I like to call her, 145lbs of hell) and I, and I used words like “consummate liar”, and “wholly disappointing”. Tomorrow marks the 2 year anniversary of that fiasco and in my head the story was going to illustrate that Valentines day for me is a crappy holiday not because I’m single this year but because it’s a day built on flawed principals and sucks no matter what. I then wrote a follow-up to it because I felt like I somehow needed to balance out the good feelings I had included in the post going up tomorrow with an expression of my displeasure with the way things ended.

However once I finished, I realized what I had written didn’t sit well with me. I could just post the story, and the part about how she had a new boyfriend before my birthday that year which was only weeks away. But increasing my readership and lashing out aren’t really my goal here. I think my Official Valentines Day post entitled "Think With Your Heart" is a well-done post. It is partly something I dug up and decided to use here because it’s honest and accurate. Harboring feelings of anger and trying to exact revenge are really signs that I’m bitter and I don’t want to be that. More importantly, I was only mad because I made the right choice to walk away once, and got burned by going back on my own promise to myself. If there is anything I hate it’s being a contributor to my own demise. Not to mention I felt in large part that the excitement I once felt would be unmatched. When we first met my ex was still kind of in the stages of finishing her break up from before me. (I guess I should have seen this as a clue for the future) She had tickets to see her most favorite band, and was planning to go with him. However we were in the early stages of our relationship, this being the summer of 2005, and she told me she didn’t really want to go because she’d rather have been with me. I honestly barely knew her, but realized quickly that this wasn’t an insignificant thing. We were friends first so I knew enough to know that she wasn’t just going to choose not to see these guys perform live.

It was when I remembered this story that I decided to scrap the last post because it was then I knew that no matter what happened after that day, she had done a lot to show me she was serious right then and there. I had not done enough to capitalize on that and coupled with my desire not to carry any further into this new year with a now tired story, I came up with this third post. This is also a product of the fact that I have met someone who makes me feel those feelings again. I didn’t think I could, and I know part of me didn’t want to. I’m not afraid because I felt joy ending my last relationship, I didn’t. What worries me is that I may not have any feelings of joy starting my next one. This girl may one day read this so it’s slightly embarrassing, but she knows it is no secret I love her shoe collection nearly as much as mine, and while there’s nothing serious about it right now at all, just knowing there are people in the world I can feel special about it a really big fact for me. I’ve long been a slave to the fear of not being comfortable moving on because I had such strong feelings before. But now I really feel like I can close that chapter and be fine with it.

In closing I’ll have a post for Valentines day, this post today, and that other thing I wrote…I’ll just sit on. Maybe next year I’ll look back at it and be glad I didn’t post it, or maybe I’ll be glad I saved it, and decide to use it then. We will just have to wait and see.

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"Now, who are You?"


Did I think you’d last forever? Of course I did. When have I known a time when you weren’t there? Am I Crying now? How could I not, but I couldn’t and didn’t cry for myself when everyone thought I should have. Now I see why. That was pain but this is sorrow. Shakespeare described the different shades of it but never it's magnitude. Maybe just not in a way I could comprehend. It feels wrong to be here without her. I don’t know why or how but it just never seemed like there would be a day in which Peach wouldn’t be there to chastise me for something silly. In all my life there are only two people I don’t think I’ve been capable of being mad at. She was one of them. I let myself get annoyed one of the last times I saw her because she was bugging me about not eating and now I’m beyond sorry. I know it is an insignificant moment, but not loving my grandmother every single second I had with her feels like a crime.

I walked yesterday when I found out, in no real direction at all. My phone started ringing at around 8 AM. It was my cousin who hasn’t seen that side of 8 AM on a consistent basis since we were in grade school. I knew then, and after about 9 successive calls that there was nothing he had to say that I wanted to hear. Not one thing. The cliché goes, “I saw you calling me at some ungodly hour and knew there must be something wrong.” I know now the truth is, that when you know something is wrong, you aren’t in a big hurry to answer any calls. What was eerie is that I knew without hearing a word what was wrong exactly. I could have been wrong, some tragedy could have befallen another family member, some horrible accident. But that wasn’t it, that’s not what happened and I could tell. I should be thrilled. I should be happy. She is in a much better place. She made it to see me get out of the hospital, and go back to school. Her oldest grandson, all grown up. We are so much more alike than she could ever know. I see her in myself everyday and laugh about it. No one knew her and didn’t love her I can be sure.

It’s not to say she wasn’t hard-headed and obstinate. She refused to be called grandma so instead we were instructed to call her Peach, Georgia Peach. It worked; calling her grandma now, feels false. I just hope that her brand of light hearted, carefree living can one day permeate my thoughts and actions as well. The effect her loss is having on the rest of us, I think shows just how much she meant to everyone. I don’t think there was a better match for my grandfather though. Both of them were vivacious, jokesters but my Grandfather was about as shy as someone as imposing as him could be. And the two had chemistry the likes of which is absent from everyday life for so many others.

I wish nothing but the best for him now. He's my main concern. My grandparents had been married nearly 60 years and this is the first time since the Korean war that he’s woken up and not been able to talk to her. I can’t and won’t think about what that is like for him. He was so full of love for her that I don’t even have to consider it to know he's in pain. I know she is dearly missed. I won’t be the same without her. It won’t be the same without her. I can’t wait to see her.

Georgia Peach lived to see her 3 grandsons of age all go to college, with one just a few years away. She leaves behind 4 grandsons, , 3 sons, 2 daughters, a loving husband, and the biggest mark on my heart you could imagine.

I don’t think I even realize fully now how its going to feel once It sinks in. I’m going to be happy for her, and not worry about the effect she’s had on me and my family, because after all has been said and done her effects on me have been nothing short of awe-inspiring.