The Prelude

I just spent about an hour writing a post detailing the events of perhaps one of the worst valentines days of all time. It revolved around a story of my ex-girlfriend (or as I like to call her, 145lbs of hell) and I, and I used words like “consummate liar”, and “wholly disappointing”. Tomorrow marks the 2 year anniversary of that fiasco and in my head the story was going to illustrate that Valentines day for me is a crappy holiday not because I’m single this year but because it’s a day built on flawed principals and sucks no matter what. I then wrote a follow-up to it because I felt like I somehow needed to balance out the good feelings I had included in the post going up tomorrow with an expression of my displeasure with the way things ended.

However once I finished, I realized what I had written didn’t sit well with me. I could just post the story, and the part about how she had a new boyfriend before my birthday that year which was only weeks away. But increasing my readership and lashing out aren’t really my goal here. I think my Official Valentines Day post entitled "Think With Your Heart" is a well-done post. It is partly something I dug up and decided to use here because it’s honest and accurate. Harboring feelings of anger and trying to exact revenge are really signs that I’m bitter and I don’t want to be that. More importantly, I was only mad because I made the right choice to walk away once, and got burned by going back on my own promise to myself. If there is anything I hate it’s being a contributor to my own demise. Not to mention I felt in large part that the excitement I once felt would be unmatched. When we first met my ex was still kind of in the stages of finishing her break up from before me. (I guess I should have seen this as a clue for the future) She had tickets to see her most favorite band, and was planning to go with him. However we were in the early stages of our relationship, this being the summer of 2005, and she told me she didn’t really want to go because she’d rather have been with me. I honestly barely knew her, but realized quickly that this wasn’t an insignificant thing. We were friends first so I knew enough to know that she wasn’t just going to choose not to see these guys perform live.

It was when I remembered this story that I decided to scrap the last post because it was then I knew that no matter what happened after that day, she had done a lot to show me she was serious right then and there. I had not done enough to capitalize on that and coupled with my desire not to carry any further into this new year with a now tired story, I came up with this third post. This is also a product of the fact that I have met someone who makes me feel those feelings again. I didn’t think I could, and I know part of me didn’t want to. I’m not afraid because I felt joy ending my last relationship, I didn’t. What worries me is that I may not have any feelings of joy starting my next one. This girl may one day read this so it’s slightly embarrassing, but she knows it is no secret I love her shoe collection nearly as much as mine, and while there’s nothing serious about it right now at all, just knowing there are people in the world I can feel special about it a really big fact for me. I’ve long been a slave to the fear of not being comfortable moving on because I had such strong feelings before. But now I really feel like I can close that chapter and be fine with it.

In closing I’ll have a post for Valentines day, this post today, and that other thing I wrote…I’ll just sit on. Maybe next year I’ll look back at it and be glad I didn’t post it, or maybe I’ll be glad I saved it, and decide to use it then. We will just have to wait and see.

No comments:

Post a Comment