I can't Help but Wonder what it's like

So I've got a new habit of writing some thought out into completion, and then deciding it is totally useless. Which I think is actually a good thing. Most often when I write I'm using the spaghetti method with my thoughts anyway. So not everything needs to be posted, I usually just need to work out some stuff in my head.
What I learned from the last little "spaghetti tossing" session is that I am horribly impatient. I can feel my skin itch at times when I'm forced to wait. Lots of people meet me and are shocked to hear or see this because I tend to have a calm demeanor. The reasoning behind it is convoluted. I have ideas as to why I sometimes am as patient as a rock, and other times bristle before I even have real cause, but can't really pin it down. Point being, I really wish I could learn to be appropriately patient. I don't have a good sense of when I'm being too patient, and when I'm not being patient enough, I can't really calm down easily. I can feel my mind trying to put the brakes on the rest of me and it never works, it practically makes things worse.
I've also realized that I have no forgiveness in my soul. I only find issue with this because it seems to be such a lionized trait. I was once told that forgiveness is a saintly task and that I was far from saintly...=( I never cared about being a saint until someone told me I couldn't be one. Now I NEED to be one. It's silly I know but my real problem is that I just don't believe in it. Forgiving someone means to cease being angry for an "offense, flaw, or mistake."
Now I don't think I've ever been mad at someone for a flaw, except for one of the many nurses I refused to allow in my room, whose voice sounded EXACTLY like Marion Ramsey in Police Academy (ear...splitting...pitch). I tend to forgive mistakes if I'm mad at all; albeit slowly but quicker now than ever before. It is those tricky offenses that I find so difficult. When someone is deliberately deceitful, mean, rude, conniving, or otherwise evil, then my initial reaction is retribution but short of that I am equally as deliberate in my inability to forgive said action. Apologies are often given but the action still remains. Even in instances where the misdeed can be remedied, I still don't think I could be quick to forgive. In large part forgiving was never taught to me so I don't have a background with it. There is another post floating around somewhere on separating the person from the accomplishment. Michael Jackson is a great example. I fully believe he molested many young children but he was also the greatest musical artist of his time. His talent with dance and music far outweigh his magnitude as a criminal and molester but the fact still remains. Also I'm not in any real position to stake that claim, because though he doesn't seem to have been serial or malicious in his negative acts towards children, I was never his victim and therefore cannot say how devastating it must be for those who were. To them perhaps he was a much worse person than he was a good artist. Case in point it's hard to forgive him, because no matter how you feel about what he did, and no matter what excuse he gives, I just don't see the pain he caused going away, and therefore neither will my displeasure with him.
I can't even really fully understand all the facets of forgiveness. Many people say that it is a sign you're holding onto past transgressions and still aren't happy when you fail to forgive. I reject that, as there are many people who have done unforgivable things in my opinion whom I never think about except for when they're mentioned. I also struggle with the notion that forgiveness is something we should embrace. It is largely a biblical sentiment and the idea behind it seems to play into some larger subtexts in holy works that I also take issue with. So I won't discuss that here but suffice it to say I seriously question whether or not we need to even have this notion of telling people that their wrongs are okay. Imagine drawing up a society all your own on an island somewhere. The rules, laws, and requirements for living there are all yours to create. At which point do you start including forgiveness. It's nowhere in our constitution and the laws that stipulate forgiveness all require that we pay some sort of prasad or offering to show our desire to be forgiven. You get a ticket and you must pay it. And even after you pay it you get a point on your driving record unless you perform a further sacrifice by going to driving school. In life an apology is one thing, to make amends is another, but to seek and get forgiveness is just on an entirely different level. For me I like to think not caring and forgiving are two different thing. Perhaps I'm making to big a deal out of forgiving.

I saw an episode of the "First 48" and a mother whose pregnant daughter was shot and killed by a hired hitman found it in her heart to forgive both the killer and the man who ordered it be done. My first question was why? Letting the other two men know she'd forgiven them may earn her brownie points in heaven, but there is no rational reason to do such a thing. Maybe she had just been raised to believe in it. Or maybe she actually didn't harbor any ill will towards them because she knew it wouldn't bring back her child? Regardless of her reasoning, forgiving someone doesn't really change the act. And remember I'm only talking about the misdeeds carried out deliberately against you here, forgiving a thief is quite easy compared to a traitor.
So for me the question comes down to this; if you want to forgive someone, and they want forgiveness, should you do it? Is it healthy to forgive someone's "sins" against you and move forward with them in your life, or are you bound to do something different? At first glance if it were my country that I was founding, I think at the very least I'd have some sort of show cause memorandum in the bylaws to find out people's reasoning. I know it's probably just me, but I feel like it's somewhat detrimental..? In Zach Braff's movie "The Last Kiss" which I feel I've written about before, he cheats on his fiance, with some woman who means little to him, but is more of a trophy or accomplishment for him. She of course finds out and shuns him. He however wants nothing more than to be with her. The movie opens with them discussing their life together and the wedding is imminent for them. So after seeking council he reconciles himself to sleeping on the front porch of their home. He simply sits, and waits. At some point she may have even made him a sandwhich as a small concession to his efforts, but as I mentioned in my post about revenge those small concessions are hard for me. The movie asks you to gauge your own thoughts on the situation and to be honest I can't blame her for never speaking to him again, as a matter of fact I'd have advised her to invite over a friend and make sure to make love in such a way that he knew what was happening. The tricky thing is whether or not I'd be okay with her bringing him back into her home? In my opinion it's a personal decision. I'd probably tell her not to, and after watching many friends try to forgive and fail I now exactly why I'd say that.

As for me I simply don't have the capacity to forget. So even If I forgave, those transgressions would still be my cross to bear. I'm still too young and prideful to even consider forgiving anyone for anything these days, and to be honest I hope that never changes. It just sickens me to imagine a future self of mine standing alongside anyone who did me harm intentionally. I did it once, it isn't likely to happen again. You may disagree, but you should be advised I'm not talking to you.

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