It's Cinco De Drinko so a good portion of my readers won't be reading this until the weekend most likely but I just got back from a workout and I'm tearing myself up at the seams over another eventful trip. I skipped the Rec yesterday SPECIFICALLY to avoid the Jersey Chasers who had shown up to "Git seen" by the football team. We just finished Spring Ball last weekend so that means all the guys are free to hang out after school now but still have instructions to lift from coaches. Year in and year out it is like the Salmon spawning, these dudes show up and the girls do too. Im old enough to remember when this was actually exciting..you know back when I was younger than everyone. But now these hooers are my little brothers age and not nearly as appealing. The signs are just a bit too obvious for me. A girl with a regular bra on and not a sports bra..tryin' to git seen. A girl whose shorts look like what the Showtime Lakers wore...tryin' to git seen. And of course, a full face of makeup to workout is someone deperately, tryin' to get seen.
He had a "Magic" "Johnson" Double entendres abound!
Now anyone who knows me knows I am not a fan of the hooers. I just don't do skeezer. I made this choice unfortunately at an age when I didn't even know what sex was and so didn't quite understand the implications this would have on me. Needless to say I am now mortally bound to stick with the decision because I have some romantic attachment to the image I saw for myself then and I do my best to live up to this antiquated idea no matter what. So today I went at a time before any ballers may be in attendance and got down to business. I saw the She-Aries and we chit chatted about the Lupe Fiasco show this weekend and then I was on my way. It feels so good to be tired from exertion again. Sitting in a hospital bed for so long robbed me of that joy and it's taken quite a while to come back to form. I went to get some water and someone walked up next to me. As I stood, I looked, and facing me is this brunette. I'm indifferent to what I see and so I turn to go about my business and what do I notice..? A red bra strap that matches her red gym top.
Now I am an admitted self saboteur when it comes to women so this shouldn't surprise any of you but my first thought was actually, "Fuck, I wonder how long I have before these dudes show up." The Jersey Chasers have some sort of intelligence network and often show up BEFORE the guys do which is scary in itself but I was enjoying my lift and didn't need to see 50 extra people start milling around breathing up all my air. It was just funny to me that she coordinated the bra and top. Had the two been mismatched I would just have assumed she'd forgotten her job bra or perhaps not cared, but this shit was premeditated and thusly an annoyance. So as I get back into my lift I realize she is an aberration, perhaps she thought the meet was yesterday or perhaps she was hoping to see a particularly committed fellow who came two days in a row. Either way, my fears were for naught because the swell never came.
He is a complete dork and even he gets girls.
I went back to see the She-Aries at her desk to sign up for a bike in between sets. Lo and behold look who is behind me? Yea red straps. Now I've noticed she of course wearing my personal favorite, yoga pants, and doing well in them; but I already find her presence annoying so it's really not as persuasive as it might have been. On a scale of Gwyneth Paltrow to Kim Kardashian she was probably Jessica Alba. (nice but only from certain angles) Nice as that thing was, I was happy to finish the rest of my work out without incident. That is until I went upstairs to stretch out.
Stretching and ab's always come last for me because I like to take my time. The mats were mostly taken up so I just found an empty part of the carpet, threw down my towel and went in on some medicine ball pikes. That was not very much fun. I usually try to just lift weights and not fuck around to much when I'm at the gym. It's a habit that made working in a gym bearable when I had a long distance relationship. So even now I just find it rude when people are on cell phones or playing around or best of all, trynna git seen. Go to the bars for all that! Anyways I'm done with the pikes laying on the ground feeling the pain while waiting for the gain and I see this chick on the mat across from me who must be a D-cup, but what caught my eye was the fact she was looking at me too. I was embarrassed because if you are like me, then picturing all of my 6'4" doing that pike then crumpling to the floor in an exhausted huff doesn't seem to graceful. I finish my ab's then get to stretching and now find myself looking over at the Busty Blonde. If it's not clear by now I want to make it so now, I am mistakenly living my life by trying to hold on to childish naiveté. I understand that every girl that smiles isn't a hooer and I could in theory just take it as a compliment. Buuut I don't.
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This girl had some sort of creepy perma-smile which was nice but still...scary. I was done so I walked down stairs to get changed and walk home. This story ends as such. Somehow she made it to the locker room before I did, and so when I rounded the corner there staring me in the face was this perma-smile. Look am I a fan of above average sized breasts? Yes of course. Do I love a watermelon shaped ass just as much as the next guy? Well what was your first clue? My point is there is some physical reflex I have, that instead of allowing me to go up to these women obviously looking to be talked to, I make sure to walk as far and as fast away from them as I can. This chick with the tit's was especially troublesome to explain to myself when I asked "Why didn't you talk to her" mainly because there was no real reason. I'm just not into that sort of thing. And what thing is that you ask? Being happy. That's what. Some people meet me and have a hard time believing I don't drink or smoke, others have an even harder time finding out I can count the number of people I've slept with on one hand. And I'm talking honest disbelief, people think I'm lying to them. I imagine if they saw the neurotic physco-babble I just spewed they might find it easier to believe.
So yes, tonight, instead of motor boating the night away, I will instead hang out with my friends like always, maybe even catch up on some Hulu. I remember joking with my ex all the time in a self deprecating way and just saying, "Who is gonna bone me?" In some ways it's quite true that no one is, but it's really only true because even the ones who are trying, aren't going to be successful with the way I look at things. I think the next time I see either of these two girls I will approach them and see how it goes, not so much because I want to, but because I've no reason not to.... This sounds like no fun at all.
We love these hoe's.
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