This Shit right here

Look I'm sorry...I know I told you I was going to come with new inspiration and new subject matter but tonight happened first. I actually want to talk about race in a positive way. My goal is to make race like any other topic of discussion. It's a taboo subject that no one can speak on comfortably and those that do speak comfortably, usually do so poorly and in a manner that make you wish they wouldn't. Alas tonight brings about a cherished moment in which someone stumbles upon the topic clumsily at an extremely inopportune time. If you're unfamiliar with slurs being thrown at you then imagine being deathly allergic to bee stings and every few weeks or so someone either purposely or incidentally calls you the N word. It's feels something similar to that. What gets me the most is how casual people can be about it. It's amazing to me how easily some folks will allow themselves to just speak out of pocket. I've said it before and I'll say it again but I've lived in a place now for almost 6 years where on many an occasion I am the first of my kind someone else has ever interacted with and so in many ways I've lived 6 years as nearly an Alien. Different than a foreigner or someone of a different gender. Even on a continent where people look a lot more like me than anywhere else I am still different. People are no longer parading down a street dressed in garb specifically meant to signify their hate (not in lage number at least...well not all the time at least not where I live..I hope) but the mentality is still there. "I think this and regardless of how that may make you feel I am going to carry on because to be honest I have no idea how you might feel and don't care to even guess." The title picture speaks volumes to me. Imagine walking down a street and passing a large group of people who wore clothes or some other way made it known VERY clearly that if they weren't busy going to the movies or just happened to catch the inclination they would kidnap and kill you without any provocation quite readily. YOU. READER. ARE SOON TO BE SNATCHED AND MURDERED. Why? Simply because someone else wants you gone. To pass that group by and just carry on with your day is crazy to me. What a mind fuck.

I think there have only been two occasions in my adult life in which someone proceeded to call me or refer to me as the N-word. The first time shouldn't have been that much of a surprise since my friends first comment about her initial trip to my house was shock at the lack of a specific smell and then later telling me she had a had a distinct personal distaste for black girls. Surely she'd forgotten whom my mother and grandmothers grew up as. But it was an honest mistake I am certain. Her friends and family probably share similar sentiments and within her circle of friends it is more than acceptable to speak like that. This girl tonight (guys seems to be more thoughtful around me?) I am less familiar with but what happened I am all too familiar with. I don't accidentally refer to my gay friends as fags or even tell them to stop being gay when they don't want to do things I ask them to. And for the most part Gay-ness isn't a visible trait...My Blackness however I like to think is. So as this person I'd never met before handed me a ping pong ball she said, "Here ya go Nigga..oh wait that might be offensive to you huh?"
What to do, what to do..? What would you have done? What is to be done? Why are we doing anything? Unfortunately I am accustomed with this stream of thought. The options are wide and varied, but in something I think abuse victims are fully familiar with, the prevailing interest at just that moment is mostly "Make this end ASAP" I don't want to defend my honor, or set people straight. I'm never out to cause a scene. To me what matters is making it stop because all other options seem longer and more painful even if the end result is better. It is never really awkward however. I always feel like whatever I do will be the right choice because it will be justified. Awkward is watching people who I know and like try to deal with the situation around me. Singing song lyrics, reciting raps, just telling jokes...people find themselves on radio edit mode and the pauses are filled with tension and pain. Most times I just laugh because it is like some unspoken agreement that if I left the room just then things would go on explicitly but as a courtesy to me I'll be spared.

The worst for me though, is hearing someone I actually like, talk out of their ass. I've heard again and again that most comedians aren't racist because they are equal opportunity offenders. This from a woman who's husband is Latino. I wish just once I'd dared to ask her if calling me a Nigger would be okay as long as she called him a Spic? No Melissa that logic doesn't follow. I dunno what people think but this all just shows me that my life's work is laid out for me and there's nothing left but to do it. I can't count the number of times now I've been pushed to write on a topic ahead of schedule with something already in the works and here we are again. I'll soon have the full diatribe up but for now just know that if you are a friend of mine your speech will be as free of racial slurs as mine is and that when you are reciting text, lyrics, or movies, it is up to you what form it takes coming out of your mouth, but I will never find issue with the repetition of copyrighted material. It's not my place to tell you what bears repeating or not. I hate writing these. I'm going to do a Blog-cation where I only post pictures, videos, and write about things I saw on TV for two weeks. I'm starting to depress myself.

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